Shezbut ---Take comfort in knowing that I know you are not being selfish. My depression cycles were suicidal as well. I know what it is like to be where you are now. I had three children to care for and nothing about that factored into the fact that I wanted to die more than anything. It only made me feel more unworthy of living, that i would want to take my life when i had these three beautiful children that counted on me. But i never felt selfish. Totally consumed in the welcoming thought of death. None of my T's or pdocs could figure out why i went to such a deep, dark place.

but i cant say it any better than wysteria:

I had my last depression several years ago. it was where you are at now. i knew i was going to take my life if i didnt take some action to address it. all the coping skills i had werent working. so i finally got on medication. and just as wysteria said, it was almost miraculous, it lifted, or so it seems now, so far away from it. but i am better now. i never dreamed back then that i could crawl out of that darkness. never thought i would see the light of day again. never thought it was possible. but here i am. havent been on antidepressants for a year. havent been depressed for a couple years. its amazing after being suicidal for so long, for wanting to die for most of my life.

i agree with wysteria. things are really serious for you right now. im concerned. counseling every two weeks isnt going to cut it right now. you need a safety plan if inpatient isnt an option. can your T see you more frequently? are you on an antidepressant and can it be increased? can you cut back on the responsibilities at home right now and just rest? give yourself a break.

hang in there. my prayers are with you.