I had a lot of concerns when I spoke with my last therapist... Well my second to last therapist. I worked up the courage to tell him something I had never told anyone in my life. Still haven't told any one else but him. I hated myself. I forced myself to forget the memories but every now and then they would slip out and cause a lot of self hatred and anxiety. I thought I would never be able to live down the shame and never be able to be normal.

He made me see that when you are a child, even if you act out the entire sex act with another... It's not anything to be ashamed of. If you put yourself back in the past, during the time that the abuse is happening, you can see that from a child perspective, sex wasn't what it is to adults. The real desire, real urges, real feelings of sex don't come until much later on. From a childs stand point it's a game. Something more or less common for adults to do. A way others show love, or a way others show anger... Depending on your situation. But to a child, sex is not sex. It's play. You seem to be looking at the games from an adult perspective and in order to be able to heal from it, you're going to need to look at it from a childs stand point.

I can't tell you if you have been abused but I can tell you that I too feel a lot of the feelings you have described. I was however abused and my life story is a winding road that's all twisted and knotted. But for me.. The fantasies I have, much like yours... I believe stem from the fact that as a child the only men who had shown interest in me were men who wanted me for their own reasons... This being said I believe that the desire comes from a desire and self belief that unless there is pain involved, men wont want me. I know this not to be true but none the less it's how you feel. Can't help how you feel no matter what facts are presented to you sometimes.

I've also dealt with the lack of attraction to any sex. I find women beautiful and I find men very handsome but it takes a heck of a lot for me to be interrested in them because the appearance doesn't give much appeal if that makes sense. I have to have a deep emotional connection with the person, no matter who they may be, in order to feel any sort of physical attraction. Another thing I believe that stems from my childhood.

But the fact is, that these things are pretty common. Them being common makes it a little more difficult for people to give the reason behind them without knowing the entire story. Like how your parents were when you were a child. If they were distant and mainly your father showed a lack of interest in you, or the opposite, it could cause the same effects. The desire to feel needed and loved through abuse because it's all you knew when you were a child or the desire to be needed and loved through abuse because you never felt the love from your parents and wished they would show at least pain or something... It depends on your life and who you are in general. Something a therapist can help you with.

My belief is that every thing that has ever happened in your past, whether it be a boring hour online playing solitaire or a year at a college, it makes you who you are today. Every moment from this moment on makes you into the person you are going to be. It doesn't mean if something terrible happens that you're going to be a terrible person. A lot also has to do with how you react to the situation. Either way, every moment adds up to who you are right now. Even if you think it's a small, unimportant moment, years later you may realize those breif seconds changed who you were completely. The best of luck to you in your search for a therapist!