Leds this is not the dissociative disorders board, you are well within your right to post this here.
you really need to decide whether you want the rest of your life to be as it is at present, if not then what do you want, once you decide on this you will be clearer as to how to achieve it. It is a difficult situation giving up on twenty years of your life, but sometimes you have to consider the next twenty plus, you will never change the past but you can definitely shape your future.