Okay, so I can be a rough person. I have this way of talking and humor which may be too much for some. But than, others find it entertaiming

I have been told in the past that cynicism is a defense mechanism and that I should let go and learn to love. The thing is I think I can love and care for, although I am bit uncomfortable with me being fussed about. It does not go well with the whole strong woman premise.

To me my cynicism and tough demeanor are like walls (iron curtain?) I build around myself to see who will bother to climb over these to get to my soul. I don't reward visas to my soul to everybody. Maybe out of selfprotection... maybe because I can only care this much. I need my friends to be intriguing and interesting in some way. I just cannot bring myself to care deeply on soul level for somebody just because they are alive...

There were times I would dress in kinda outrageous fashion just to see who can see beyond my red eyeshadow and mismatched clothes... oh, I still do dress weirdly if somebody was to comment on that.


but is this really a bad thing? Isn't it better than being vulnerable all the time? Yes, maybe i need to let go from time to time and tone it down and I am really working on sitting with my feelings (and dealing with emotions in mature way instead of doing various stupid things to lessen them or escape them or substitute them for something else) and at times I am failing miserably. I know this.

But is cynicism a bad thing overall? Eventhough it is a defense mechanism, don't we all need those defense mechanism?