OK, I'm trying to sort through where I'm being oversensitive, and where I may genuinely have reason to feel insulted.

It's a major pet peeve of mine to be told what I already know. From about adolescence on, I've had a tendency to not want to do something the minute I was ordered to, even if I had been perfectly willing to do it before the order came. I may have been on my way to do exactly that thing, but then someone will step in and tell me to do it, and I would take the attitude of, "Well, I was going to do that, until you told me to, and now I won't." My reasoning, as hard as it has been to communicate, is that I wanted the satisfaction of knowing that *I* knew what needed to be done, and that I had the character and integrity to do it without having to be told. I would have done it of my own accord, if given the chance. As soon as the order came, that feeling of self-respect and pride in my sufficiency as a human being was taken away, and doing that thing now meant I was merely following orders like a good little girl. To all appearances, it would look as if I wouldn't have known to do it, and then someone told me to, and good little me, I doo'd it. It took the wind out of my sails. I never could get anyone to understand how it felt. I'd try, and they'd only answer with a frustrated, "Why can't you just do as you're told?"

Please understand, the issue has never been that I didn't want to do the thing I was told to do. It was always that I wanted the chance to demonstrate that I knew to do it, without being told, and being told robbed me of showing it.

And it still goes on. Mike does not give me orders; I want to be fair to him. He only makes requests. He *asks* me if I could please kindly do something. But his timing is such that maybe I've only been awake 5 minutes, and I haven't had a chance to do that thing yet. I would have, without his reminder, but he didn't give me an opportunity to show that, did he? It could be a chore I just did yesterday, and it needs doing again because it's an every day thing, but if I just did it yesterday and he didn't have to ask me to, why would he think I need a reminder today? And I have that same old feeling of being insulted. I think to myself, "What is it about me that people think I'm so stupid I wouldn't have known to do that unless they say something?"

Especially when it's something I take pride in, like the housework. You know how some men determine their self-worth by the size of their income, and some women determine theirs by the appearance of the house? I am one of those women. As a child I was subject to constant negative predictions, as in, "I'll hate to see HER house when she grows up." I am very careful to prove all those naysayers wrong, and I try to keep my house spotless. Mike knows how fanatical I am about things being neat and organized. So this makes it even more confusing. Knowing this, WHY does he then feel he needs to remind me to sweep the bathroom floor because the cats knocked litter out of the box? (Before anyone says anything, I understand why he doesn't just do it himself if it bothers him. He has a structural weakness in his esophagus that causes a hypersensitive gag reflex. I have seen him deal with cat litter before, and it makes him vomit every time. I don't mind handling the cat chores, in light of that. There are also some chores I can't do, and he covers them.)

Further wrinkles in this situation:

1. I am very sensitive about being considered stupid. Lifelong issue for me. As a student in school I was the female Arnold Horshack with my hand in the air, "Oooh, oooh, call on me!" I wanted to show that I knew the answer, since this would prove I wasn't stupid like people constantly told me I was. It took me until years into my adulthood to figure out that those who called me stupid were using a definition other than "doesn't know the right answer to the teacher's question," and that I didn't actually have to prove I was intelligent. Still, that sensitivity remains. I would rather be considered fat, ugly, crazy, anything besides stupid.

2. Although they worked comparable hours (even the same employer) Mike's first wife actually was a bit of a do-nothing around the house, and did have to be told those things. Mike got used to having to do everything himself. (They didn't have cats.)

Please share any insight you have. Thank you.