venus it appears that your defense mechanisms are hindering you, imo. what are the specific causes of your hiding behind the wall? distrust seems to be one of the causes but only you know why you feel that way. just me but if you get to the root causes it will be more helpful to overcome your fears. i do believe we all need to protect ourselves and set boundaries with others by asserting ones self. but quite honestly i feel you have taken this to extreme and denying yourself lots of joy in your life.
this is a long article but it may help you define your own distrust and suggestions for letting down that wall in a healthy way. hope this helps.
http://www.beyondintractability.org/essay/distrust/
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Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours..~Ayn Rand
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