Hi, i can't go back home because everyone expects me to change and get over all of this - that this experience will change me and "be the making of me". I can't disappoint people, and i know it doesn't matter where i am it won't change anything. Thats the crappy thing about all of this, i thought this trip would allow me the chance to leave myself behind, but oh no, no matter where i am or what i'm doing i have to put up with me! I'm sure i'd be having a great time if i didn't have to bring me along all the time. I have this weight that i seem to be constantly heaving around, not allowing me the chance to really throw myself into things. And i know i'll regret not being able to do that, like i regret half of what i've not be able to really appreciate and enjoy in my life. I feel as if i'm always waiting for something to be different, something that will snap me out of myself, allow me to leave this crappy person behind.
Although i know i don't deserve to feel like this, i can't help feeling so lonely and stranded - and that it doesn't matter where i am because it's me not everyone else/anything else and to tell you the truth that's the saddest thing to accept. There is no big thing that will suddenly make life better.
Wow, i've moaned on for along time, sorry about that! I'm too proud to go home to tell you the truth, i'd much rather count the days and then pretend everything was almost fine and dandy than tell everyone what i really went through - noone wants to hear my moanings when i have so many good things going for me. But i'm afraid i've got to get it off my chest so you guys get the brunt of it. =)
I making a bigger deal out of this than it is, i.............oh well, it'll be fine. I over-analyse way to much so i'll shut up now.
thanks of listening.
Abby