Alexandra
I can relate to much of what you said. I'm 44 and have had an ED for 26 years also. I have ups and downs. As of last week, I'd been symptom free for 4 months, but I'm going through a rough patch and purging once a day was better than what I wanted to do to hurt myself, so I've gone back to it (lesser of two evils, you might say).

I find myself compelled to talk to the younger folks who are just starting down this terrible road. It's better to deal with the issues head on when you're young than learn to numb yourself and be hit with everything at once as an oldster. The pain is 50x worse now becasue I never learned how to DEAL with anything.

I wish I could say I finally reached the stage where I don't care what I look like anymore, but it's not true. I'm happily married though, so there is a positive in my life. And I'm in therapy, trying to kick this monkey off my back once and for all.

Anyway - just wanted you to know you're not alone.
Bub