Okay, so I have not been doing all the great lately. I managed to pull myself out of the darkest place, I mean... I have will to live still, but...
... things have been strange since I came back to Brno (my University town). I been took a dip down. And while I do enjoy school and enjoy seeing friends... the moment I get back to my dorm, I am low again. I read intesting text and it occupies my head for a bit. I engage in debate in class, but than I come to my "home" and... there I am again in this hard to define place.
Not sure what to make out of that. I am not looking forwards future. It will be finishing my school and than endless job applications and rejections. Maybe I can find a job that will pay the mortage (I so want my own place! I would go crazy in IKEA... but what for? what does it matter?), maybe even something were I can self-realize. But what for?
I guess I just don't feel fullfilled at the moment. It all seems that we live, we do stuff, we die. Some time ago I wrote in poem where I said "we always knew/that things will come to the end/so in meanwhile/we distracted ourselves with pretty things." I feel I am distracting myself with pretty things.
I pray, look for good omens, but what if all this is a bunk? What if there is really not deeper meaning, what if there is not sense to existence?