let me just jump in here and say, T says I have spoken to him like that, as if he wouldn't do something unless I said it, and that at those times I sound like my mother, which REALLY make him not want to do the thing I ask.

No, we don't need a couples counselor too. It usually happens at vacation time when I ask him to "stop by my apartment on his way home from the airport" which is code for... absolutely nothing. He says I sound like my mother commanding a visit, assuming no one would voluntarily visit. And that's true, she demands it, she doesn't LET us love her, she MAKES us love her. So it is very much a control and respect and a think before you speak issue. It is verbal mounting behaviour, if your reaction to it is, "do you think I'm stupid?!", IMO. Unless they have Tourrette's and can't help speaking. Otherwise they need to shut it. When is the Who Wants To Win A Date With Hanky Telethon?