What is very striking is the contrast between how well I've felt during up intervals and how very bad I feel when the good momentum collapses. I really don't see will power as the way out of this. Years of mediation alterations haven't helped. I know that doesn't mean there isn't something out there. Lack of people support probably makes my situation a lot worse. Or, maybe I should say that I believe loving support must be helpful.

The people in my life, what few there are, tell me I do this to myself. I even believe them. I don't know where to turn.