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pytrain1 · Sep 28, 2011, 03:37 PM

I just read what you shared and thank you forspeaking up and telling your story. I can relate in some many ways. I just turned 35 this month and feel like my world his always tumbling down on me. I remember as a child having intense emotion times and tons of tears that as I look back I know if I had the coping skills than that maybe life would have tuend out differently. I have seen every doctor to man LOl. But serious you know what I am talking about. Each doctor or pysch diagnosis. I have deprresion, anxiety, mood disorder, ADHD, learning disablity,bipolar . I think that is all of them.
I know I have worked on balancing my life. God knows betwwen doctor visit and working to keep my saniity because if I don't work I can't pay the doctors to treat me. Top things off I have carpel tunnel in both my hands and chronic back and neck pain. I am always under the weather and you can never tell which version of me you will see each day. I have heard that one some may times. People in my life are hard to stay consistant becuase like you I get bored or forget somethign and it always get blown out of proportion. I know one thing is that I am a good person with a big heart . A heart that is filled with some many emotions worries and love that it breaks my heart that I can not find peace with myself. I am so tired of worring or not knowing what will happen next that I stopped living. I am a home body. This is where I am most comfortable. I don't mind vistors but have issue being at other peoples homes . I have lost quite a bit of friends because they could not understand why I couldn't leave my suroundings. They would think I didn't care if I forgot something or if I needed to be alone. I don't want to be the pesitmastic person that I feel I am. But what chooses do we have when there are so many barriers in my way to just feel good. I guess if I would provide any enlightenment is say close with your family and use them as a support system. Hold on to you and so what if we are not normal. who know maybe we are what normal is and everyone else is different. I having a tengent of pucking up all my life diversities which I know is a drag to listen to. But just like you I really just need to get how I feel off my chest and breathe and make some sense of all this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mkb42

Not much of a question here, but I just felt like i need to share something, get it off my chest.

I'm 20 years old. I don't have a car, I can't drive, I don't have a job, never had a job, I don't go to school. I dropped out of High School when I was 16. I do have my GED, got it last year. My mother kicked me out, and I currently live with my eldest sister in her home. I occasionally do house chores around the house, other than that I just watch TV or play on my computer all day. I currently don't have any real friends other than my older brother that lives with us. I've been bullied, picked-on, and ridiculed. I've never had a girlfriend, never had sex, never even been kissed.

Now I'm just listing how much of a loser I am, and whether we have disorders or whatever, it all effects our lives differently, but the saddest part to me is that I've been through so many years of therapy for anxiety, depression, and suicide attempts, all the doctors could conclude is that I have Schizophrenia. I know I'm not crazy or anything like that. I do daydream way too much, but I don't hallucinate. I know what reality is. I get mood swings, but it's not that I have lack of control over myself or my emotions, I just get bitter about life.
I have not been officially diagnosed with ADHD/ADD but I look back at my life, and a lot of it makes sense to me now.

My mind is always wondering, daydreaming, thinking about random things. I have a hard time concentrating and focusing. I always feel fatigue and tired, and I sometimes will randomly get bursts of energy. I have a hard time sleeping often, and I often lose my sleeping schedule. I look back at when I was a kid, all the memories, the awkward moments, embarrassments, the laziness. I remember it always being so hard for me to get up every morning to go to school. I would miss so many school days, faking sick, so my mind could freely wonder in the comfort of my home. My grades have always been terrible because it was always so hard for me to concentrate on schoolwork. My social life has been very awkward. I can't keep friends because I simply lose interest in them. I very often become anti-social. People usually don't even appreciate my social skills. I generally have a hard time conversating with people because it's hard for me to connect and concentration with people and what they say. People have a hard time understanding me sometimes. I sometimes have uncontrollable laughter; my mind stays stuck on something that I find funny, whether it happened right then or I was just randomly thinking about it. It's so difficult for me to "grow up" as a person, compared to other people. I've always been reluctant to get things done.

As far as I remember, growing up, ADHD didn't exist. Never heard of it. The doctors where I grew up at, obviously didn't hear of it either. They were so quick to call me crazy, lazy, and dumb. Hell, they did the same thing to one of my sisters, who had uncontrollable seizures and suffered depression. They called her crazy. When she got older, she moved to a different, a better place, and the doctors there confirmed she had Hypoglycemia.
Our mother believed the doctors. She doesn't understand these disorders. I feel like too many people don't understand them. At least where I grew up at.

ADHD tickled in my head when my brother mentioned it last year, thinking he might of had it. I one day, wondering my thoughts, thought about it, and looked up the symptoms. A lot of it, if not all of it, I do or have done. I even took a couple of online ADHD test, apparently confirming I have it.

I just know I have ADHD/ADD, I just look back at my life and it has been a battle for me. I almost feel like I've lived a lifetime. Most of the bad things that has happened to me, the stupid choices I've made, the things I've thought, is because of my disorder. My personality, my disorder, and the circumstances I was born with ruined my life. I know I'm still young, and it could be too early to say my life is officially ruined, but it's been pretty stupid so far, and the choices I've made have effected me greatly.

I'm currently still bitter, no longer depressed, still have some anxiety, but I do try to be optimistic about life. My brother is pretty optimistic and he inspires me to be. I want to do and achieve many things. What I feel is mostly holding me back is ADHD. It's just so hard for me to get things done, and whats worse is that people around me just don't understand that. I don't have insurance or the money to get diagnosed and properly medicated for it. None of my family that has money wants to currently help me with it, because it's not that believable of a condition to them. Currently in a limbo situation, but I try to stay positive and see whats next for me in life.

Thanks for reading, have a nice day!