I dont mind having bipolar, i need to stop blaming that for everything thats wrong with my life.
I just need to get this out.

I want to get myself a full time job, move out of my parents house, rent a room, save the money to then rent a flat.
My flat will be my santuary, i just want a safe place that i can be in control of, and have a sense of ownership and safety. I want it to be peaceful and clean and calm. Where i can be alone.
I want to get up and go to work, and if i'm up, i'll go out at the weekends, meet friends, and if i'm down, i'll get through my days at work knowing i can come back to my flat and be isolated (in a good way). It will be my space to invite people into when i want them there. I just want something to keep me steady, while my mood and my personality and my needs change something just keeping me grounded.
I really want this very much.
I dont want the people in my life anymore, I have either friends that arent good friends, or i have people that i need more from than they could ever possibly give, and the only way to be safe from them, is to take myself away completely, even if that sounds like a rash, dramatic idea, i know in myself that i can never have a normal relationship with my best friends again.
Its like if you're a smoker and you quit smoking you can never become a social smoker, it just doesnt work like that.

I want this so much, i want my life to be a new thing now, i want to grow up basically and look after myself.