Well I haven't been able to really talk about this yet partially because I think I traumatized myself a little. Things got sooo out of control and I ended up cutting my arms very badly where it required extensive suturing to repair. Part of DBT is that you call when you have tried the skills and they haven't worked and you need help. Well I called that damn coaching phone twice when I was in the midst of my crisis and no one answered. I even left messages both times. After I went to the ER the next day I called my t and told him. According to DBT protocol after someone harms themselves there is no communication with t or coaching line for 24 hours. I then had to go over a huge sheet about what they call a chain analysis and explain every minute detail to t. T said that he was really freaked out when I told him that I got 80 stitches. We still haven't finished the thing. I asked t if he was going to tell this in consultation and he said yes because he needed support. I totally feel like I let my t down. I am so embarrassed. I think that I will have some super huge scars for a really long time. T also found out about some conflict in the group which involves me and said he was going to consult about that too. I am really spinning out of control with my emotions about this. I feel like I am the bad kid and they are all talking about me. I am not talking to this other girl in there, I have tried to talk to her privately and she won't talk to me so if she tries to bring it up or anyone else does I am going to walk right out the door. Does anyone else ever feel like things are totally out of control in therapy or life in general? Has anyone else let t down and how so? This is not the first time I have done things like this but it had been a long time and I had been doing so well. I hadn't tried to SU or cut in almost a year. I am so scared about my impulsivity. Last year I did some bad things and ended up waking up in the ICU with a tube shoved down my throat a few days later. I am terrified by my own destructiveness. Seriously what is wrong with me? I am totally just telling way too much but I am completely out of control with everything right now.............................