Had my session with T yesterday and talked to him about the two major points that led to my crazed spiral the other night....my friend calling me an idiot, and my strong feelings of not wanting to share T with others.

It was a good session....I shed a lot of tears...We are trying to understand it, and there's more work to do with it, but I tried to be open about it in order to learn from it. I'm scared to have another episode like that.

When I talked to T about not wanting to share him in group T, he told me to not be critical of myself - as it has a deeper meaning that we haven't gotten to yet. And that the feelings may not make sense, or may seem a certain way. It was so hard to talk about it. SO hard.

After the session, I started thinking about it some more....The feelings that triggered the spiral were something along the lines of me longing to be cared for, to feel valued, to feel loved and wanted....and then another part of me criticized those feelings, saying that no one could possibly care about me, I'm too repulsive, too unworthy, SO less than....leaving me feeling crushed, and ultimately numb....This is a pattern I go through.

I then recalled that much of my life, my family was so supportive of my sister - and I was the 'black sheep'. So, I did not have anyone to rely on for care and support when I was going through the traumas I endured throughout my life - the CSAs, SAs, the beatings, verbal/emotional abuse. So, I reminded myself of how unworthy I was, and usually suppressed those painful longings for love by SI'ing.

T did mention in the session that I have never in my life had a supportive, encouraging, caring, nurturing influence in my life - and now I do, and somehow that elicits anger at not having it exclusively for me. And I do not yet have the ability to be gentle and soothe myself.

I wonder how much of the life experience I just mentioned has to do with it. Hmm.

I'm still feeling a bit spiraly, but less so now that I talked with T about it.