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Originally Posted by Wysteria
Hi Peaches..
Sounds like in opening up to your T about wanting to discuss again the issue of past abuses and traumas that ya'll ended up having an incredible session and a lot of revelation. I had picked up on the invalidation of your mom when you had told her about your sister.. Between that and the church and everything else, I can certainly understand your reluctance. I think the idea of just dealing with the emotions and letting yourself remember what you do remember without "having" to put a name or face to it for now is a great idea..just let if flow and untangle at it's own pace.
You know a few years back..I was working in a financial institution up in a high rise and someone had been getting into some of the ladies' purses and stealing some money and things. At one point, I had caught a girl behind my associate's desk as she was standing up. She had no business at all in my area of the institution (it was off limits) and my friend kept her purse down there. I was SO incredibly hesitant to do or say anything or to place blame. Finally I did say something. They brought in an outside detective, and he questioned me at length. I told him in a very detailed way EXACTLY what I had seen, where her hands were and everything she did. He told me in NO uncertain terms that I had witnessed an attempted theft, and had foiled it by walking in on her. In the end, it turned out that she had a drug addiction, and had been the thief, and all thefts stopped after she left. A kind hearted banker had brought her in as a friend of the family.
The point is...I too had been trained not to blame others and had been shushed and invalidated enough as a child not to trust my own eyes. I was so embarrassed to lay blame for something as serious as theft in a financial institution. I felt terrible guilt for getting her fired. My wonderful boss who was the only other one that ever knew what had happened gave me a firm but kind talking to about it finally...he could see my hurt.
Invalidation and not being heard or listened to is an INCREDIBLY POWERFUL force. I'm so glad you recognize that mother part in you and how domineering she can be over your other younger selves. I hope you can learn to work around her and let your T and your adult self honour and cherish and truly "hear" what your younger self has to say...
Loving huggles for all your inner selves today...they've been working very hard to heal...
Wysteria Blue  |
Hi Wysteria!
I liked your idea about trying to deal with the emotions & the part i remember, and not worrying about filling in the blanks. "Letting it flow and untangle at its pace" is what i need to do. Part of my problem is in trying to understand everything and getting stuck and hung up (or my mind going in circles) until i find the "answer" or "solution." It's very crazy making!!!
Wow, interesting about the attempted theft you witnessed. I can relate to the hesitancy you felt in saying anything. I have a habit of always trying to "think the best" of people, even when it is probably clear to others that their intentions are not good.
In your shoes, i probably would have automatically thought, "Oh, so and so would never steal!! I'm sure there's some other explanation for it." I have learned from my mom to put a happy face on everything. But sadly, things aren't always rosy, and people don't always good intentions. I want so much to think that people do the right thing, and that they
want to do the right thing. It has led to me getting very hurt at times!
I'm glad you said something, and that the outcome validated that you were indeed right in your suspicions.
Yes. . .I can admit, i guess, that my parents were invalidating. My dad did it by teasing, provoking, laughing, or at times just telling me straight out that my thoughts or feelings were stupid or wrong. My mom invalidated my feelings by ignoring it whenever i was in emotional pain. It was that putting on a happy face thing again. . ."If i don't see it, it is not there." I find that I've developed a part of myself that does the same thing, and it keeps me from being able to discern how things truly are.
I don't know when i started being reluctant to let others to be accountable for their actions, or to make excuses for them. But i recall doing it even when a small child.
I remember being in the first grade. I had a friend named Connie. Her mom was my babysitter. One day, Connie and i were standing outside by her mom's peony bush. Connie kept picking the peony buds off and peeling them, holding them to my nose and saying, "Smell these. They smell just like onions!" I remember feeling very uneasy. I said, "Are you sure it's OK to pick these?" and she responded, "Yes, it's OK. They are just weeds!" And she happily picked away. I didn't pick any, as i was afraid they were, indeed, flowers. Shortly afterward, Connie went indoors, and I stayed outside.
Not long afterward, Connie showed up at the window, with wide eyes, she was obviously scared. She said, "Please tell my mom you picked them! Please, she'll kill me!" Just then, her mom marched out the back door with a paddle in her hand. She walked up to me and twisted my arm. "Did you pick these?" she asked angrily. "Yes," i told her. She swatted me good. I remember that it hurt my feelings to get spanked for something i didn't do. But it seemed it was for the greater good. I didn't want my friend to be scared or get in trouble. It was easier to get spanked myself than to see her get spanked.