Apologies in advance for the lengthy post....
I got a last minute call from my t on Monday telling me that he had to cancel our appt for that day (our weekly appt). He actually left a message (because I didn't get to the phone fast enough) so I never got to talk to him initially, and when I called back less than 10 minutes later, the receptionist told me I had just missed him.
So I gave my name and number and just said to let him know I was returning his call.
So all week, I'm sitting here waiting, waiting, waiting for him to call back and reschedule. My mind started to wander into the "what if he forgot about me" territory which was VERY hard for me to fight off. I don't want to think the worst; I have enough abandonment issues as it is and he knows this. I was literally panicking because I didn't have my session this week. It was REALLY throwing me for a loop because I really don't like to go even though I know deep inside it's what I need right now in my life.
Well, I finally broke down a little while ago and called the office. I thought, I need to put my big girl panties on and called again. The receptionist told me he's out on bereavement and won't be back til Monday, which will be 2 weeks since I was in last.
Now I'm wishing that maybe he DID actually forget about me, because it's occurring to me that I've actually had a pleasant week since not going to T. Not walking around all the time with that dead weight that t brings has been......really, really nice. I've actually been able to feel something other than vulnerability and pain and concentrate on something OTHER THAN therapy for the first time in MONTHS.
So I guess I'll be going back after all. I mean,
I know he didn't forget me.
I just can't stand myself sometimes. I want to go to t....then I don't want to go to t.....I hate my t......I miss him. UGH. Why can't I just be normal!?!?
NORMAL!!!! I feel like a 12 year old stuck in an adult body, which is so embarrassing I can't even describe it. No one IRL knows I am like this; I hide it very well. And I know I will need to bring this all up with him which makes me want to run naked into oncoming traffic. Seriously, I'd rather have my gums scraped.
I guess I just needed to get that out.