im going through something similar. the big difference is i mange to get... aroused form my thoughts. theyre not quite as bad as yours, by all accounts theyre mostly just normal fantasizing, except i have them all the time. even when im preoccupied, theyre in the back of my mind. its put a lot of stress on my relationship, and a lot of awkwardness on my interaction.

as for your karma concern, i would see it this way: since you havent given into these horrible thoughts, its wont affect your next life. it sounds like your past incarnation lived a very sexually depraved lifestyle, and now you have to overcome the urges you gave into in your past life. im not sure if i explained that right.

ok lol. lets say in your past life you were "mark". mark did all sorts of horrible sexual things and felt no remorse. so now, "mark" is reincarnated as you, and you have to suffer the thoughts and fantasies "mark" had, but you have to not give in to them. you have to overcome these thoughts.

if im right and thats the case, i would say your karma is through the roof. you say your disgusted by these thoughts, which means you are overcoming them.

as for you think you should die? youre repulsed by these thoughts, which proves you are more human than me. and indeed, i would say you deserve to live because you can still be repulsed by the thoughts. if it was me, i would not last as long or as strongly as you have. i admire you for it