I don't really know where to start...
I feel like there are so many people on here that are like me it's like walking into a house of mirrors, very strange but kinda cool.
I was sexually abused as a small child by my grandfather for a few years before he died. I became a little bit of a bully at school, acting out. My parents divorced when i was 10. We were poor and had only a singlewide trailer. Us girls went with our mother since she was a stay at home mom.
When we tried to move the trailer to another location it was so old it broke into on the highway. I remember picking out my personal things on the side of the road out of this broken down home.
My father, distraught with the divorce and the financial implications married my mother's mother (the same one who was married to the grandfather that abused me). I called him "father" instead of his real name for over a year to punish him.
But after a year of living with my mother, her depression was too much for me and i begged to live with my father. She was always a very religious woman and met a "holy man" so she married him and let me live with my father while she ran away to another area.
I started drinking around 14. I was dealing with a father who slept with anything that stood still and a step mother who was my grandmother.
I lived downstairs with the "crazy" people she took care of in her mini-home for older patients. I dated very little.
When I was 18 i fell in love with my "drinking buddy" and decided we should get engaged. One day paranoia hit me that if i was on the pill for very long I wouldn't be able to ever have children, so i stopped...and got pregnant. I pushed for marriage. A big mistake.
I had a daughter, and tried my best to be a good mother. I went through post partum depression and she went through colic. My ex-husband kept all of his habits and added a few more. We fought for a couple of years and I finally took my daughter and what i could fit in the car and left.
What I eventually did was let my mother take care of my daughter because i wasn't really fit to do it. I felt a lot of guilt that I tried my best to drink away.
Eventually I got into the wrong crowd and started doing drugs. I was introduced to them from my ex-husband but everything is so blurry over that period it's hard to say what actually happened. I made a lot of mistakes and somehow ended up on my mother's couch going cold turkey.
I found out I had bipolar disorder, ocd, and what i now know to be a list of other things wrong with me (generalized anxiety disorder, ptsd, borderline personality disorder).
I started having a really hard time dealing with my mother's religious overtones and "rules and demands" so we got separate apartments.
I tried to take care of my daughter on my own. Her father didn't seem to want to be a part of her life until he had to pay child support. Then he wanted visitation, and she found out she could get away with more with him. She had outbursts, highly emotional. And on good days i could deal with it, but on bad days it was unbearable. So after both her and her father begged me to let her stay with him i gave in.
I was dealing with trying to get meds right and dealing with severe depression along with physical problems that eventually led to a complete hysterectomy all while trying to maintain full time college classes.
Then I met my current husband. Online lol. We hit it off on a gaming forum that a friend had recommended. He came to visit and proposed the next day. He lived 500 miles away and wanted me to come live with him. So thinking that i had no ties i left.
Three months later i find out my child is no longer happy where she's at and her father is in trouble with the law. :/ She is now living with her nana and pop (his parents) and I talk to her on a regular basis.
What i didn't anticipate was that moving 500 miles away would really alienate me from anyone or anything i knew. It's been really hard.
He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, severe paranoia, ptsd, and clinical rage. And I didn't see the full spectum of any of these until we were married.
Recently my daughter was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I cry all the time because she got it from me. She'll have to live a tormented life because of me. Had i known i had it before i got pregnant i would have never had children. But what's done is done.
Now I take 300mg Lithium 2x a day and hope to whatever gods there are that i'm not screwing myself over or making anyone else's life harder.
Days like today I'm somewhere inside myself, like lava just under the surface. Quiet, thoughtful...but always on the verge of movement.

song that's on loop: Mazzy Star "Into Dust"