Thanks for the reply I may have put this in the wrong place which is annoying, I know and I'm sorry for that. I did not contact her today. Here is a bit of history now that I have calmed down! lol She moved out a year ago it was a crazy crazy relationship. I was dependant, quiet borderline, doormat, jealous. You name it. Push pull relationship. She is a trauma sexual abuse survivor and has her own string of awefulness. The end result was two people who loved eachother very much without the tools to express that and get along. And it was an explosive relationship especially at the end. I don't have anyone else. That's part of the problem. See I never have. I moved alot, never made friends, I have one shallow like relationship right now, and there are no family ties. I am just now realizing how things in my childhood affected me. Things I did that I didn't realize I had a problem with. It started with wanting to stop the paranoia, obsession and jealousy. Then I kept learning more and more. One of the things I have no identity I have no clue who I am. It started with my mother lying about my ethnicity because I am part black and she was ashamed. And many other factors. One of the most disturbing things I have learned that I do is mirroring. I change drastically rapid personality changes so other will love me. And masking who I really am. To that point I have lost my identity completely. I have forgotten what little part of me was even real. I need help, and I don't even know where to begin.