I am in my late 40s and have had an ED for over 26 years. In a way I hope no one responds to this post because I really, really hope there aren't many people like me who has lived all their adult life with an ED.

I am currently at my heaviest which means I am heavier than I was in my worst hospitalized anorexic state so to me I feel huge but to others I appear slightly overweight (I think) or they are nice and say "muscular" because I have also worked out with weights my whole life.

It has been a huge adjustment not being thin anymore but after 40 the body goes through a good deal of changes, few of which are pleasant. Unfortunately I just have not ever let go of purging. I pass now though. I don't purge more than a handful of times a month unless I am really anxious and not writing my food down. Another unfortunate thing is I found that if I don't purge on a regular basis, when I do it is horrifyingly depressing and hard to recover from. I guess because the whole "numb" thing quits working after 15 or 20 years. There is absolutely no benefits to my purging. Obviously there never is any benefits but I am talking about the escaping, numbness, etc that I used to weak years ago. Honestly I am a highly functioning person who, when not purging, tends toward being happy.

I finally realized that what I really need is someone to be accountable. I used to have a nutritionist but can't afford her anymore. I see a therapist but not for this. I tried seeing a person through the VA (I'm a Veteran) for food related issues and I was given to a student. I can probably write 2-3 texts books on eating disorders at this point. I told her what I need is someone who is smarter and more clever than I am who will force me into accountability. She actually told me "good luck with that."

I've basically been through every aspect of an eating disorder and in whatever ways it can be twisted and survived. Yea, go me... not.

Two years ago I got a big reality check which has totally cured my from wanting to lost huge amounts of weight. It was a conversation I had with an Aunt about my mom. She lost a lot of weight in less than a year doing nothing out of the ordinary except getting cancer... oh, and dying, imagine that. Wow, being happy that you got cancer so you can lose weight! But than 20 years ago I wish I had AIDS because they were all so thin.

Anyway, I don't struggle with eating anymore because I eat very healthfully. I don't struggle with over-exercise anymore because I found I get more out of moderation. Probably if I never watched TV I would never purge again too. Ah well... something to say about being habitually consistent, right?

Having an ED has basically destroyed my life and my body in ways I had never dreamed. But through very hard work, I managed to create a life for myself despite that (and regain a good part of my health).

I just WISH that I would stop purging!!!!!!!

Last night I lay in bed feeling like it was completely hopeless; that I might as well resign myself to having this till I die......

Of course I'll never give up. Maybe I'll never purge again. You just never know and therein lives the lie that I tell myself over and over and over, and have been for over 26 years.

Alexandra