Quote:
Originally Posted by granite1
i have just never been able to even open my mouth to ask for what i need.i know this is hard to believe but it is true.i will just deal with whatever things are.i don't have to like it at all but i cant seem to be smart enough to just open my mouth and say anything or ask for anything.I'm not turning it into a battle in fact i am sure my T has no idea how strongly i feel about this.the battle is only within myself as it always is.i don't think i could ever risk letting my T know any of it.yes i am scared of her reaction.it isn't even the no that i am afraid of.it is letting her know that i even have any feelings about not seeing her or that i even care one way or another. god i feel if she knew that i cared even a little she would be completely repulsed by it or just think it is so absurd that she would just laugh and that would crush me.i would rather say nothing.
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Oh Granite- you remind me so much of myself! I have experienced these very thoughts throughout the 2 years I've been with my T. I FINALLY was able to blabber my way through what I wanted/needed and my T's response was not what I thought it would be, but what I'd hoped it would be. It only took a major rupture and 3 months of my trying to pretend it didn't matter for me to do it too! (How ridiculouos is that?)
It happened for me when I was hurting so bad that I had no option but to say what it was I needed. Not saying it hurt more then keeping it in. I was so desperate and despondent that I opened my mouth and spoke- and my T heard me. She didn't turn me away , or close her mind to what it I wanted- even though I knew she would've preferred something different, she didn't put her hands over her ears (something I've done a time or two in therapy) and tell me to stop talking. She sat there and listened through my mixed up, halting words and heard what I said- and gave me what I needed. As a matter of fact- a few weeks later she told me that she was never opposed to what it was that I had asked for, just that she didn't know what I wanted.
I learned a lot that day granite. It was a true growing experience for me..... and it only took me 2 weeks the next time we had a misunderstanding, for me to tell T what it was that I needed, and again, T did not find it impossible for her to do and she accomadated my request.
Being able to communicate with T what my needs/wants are has been a major accomplishment for me- and I have seen a huge amount of personal growth, almost instant growth, in myself since I started to, and I can't tell you how awesome it is to not feel the anxiety of holding onto something in my head because I was afraid to speak up.
You can do this granite- just step up and blabber through it like I did. Whisper it if you have too, just let it out for T to hear. I think you might be surprised at how freeing it feels- no matter what the answer is!
(((((Granite)))))