Quote:
Originally Posted by sunrise
There are feelings and there are behaviors. I think it would make your work with your T go more smoothly if you controlled the behaviors that are causing problems (e.g. boundary crossings, demands for more than she can give, sending the list of what you know about your T to prove she is wrong, etc.), and then when you have those in check, work on the feelings.
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I don't really disagree with this, but there may be another point in looking at "problematic" behaviors that we do in therapy, and that's to see whether we engage in this type of behavior with other people in our lives and whether it is causing problems for us. With my own T, he likes to point out to me when I'm being "precise." It's his delicate way of saying that I'm correcting him as he's trying to support me or validate me-- he's reflecting back what I'm saying and I'm saying back something between "you're missing the boat" and "not quite, it's really more X than Y." He used to sit back and tell me to "school" him, but I made fun of him for that and he doesn't do that anymore.
Now, I'm not going to stop being precise-- as a lawyer, precision is the difference between somebody going to jail versus going home. But I have realized from therapy that trying to be precise with my family or friends can be alienating to them, and can stop me from being able to accept what they are offering me. So I try to be aware if I'm in a situation seeking support from other people that I don't need to be so demanding of the way that people give back to me. I try to seek out the "correct" parts that they are offering me and let the rest of it go, and breathe in what they are offering me. Strangely enough, I now feel more supported by the people in my life than when they were more "precise"-- because I would back them into an emotional corner that they couldn't get out of until I'd extracted what I wanted from them.
A lot of what I've gotten out of therapy is awareness, looking at how I relate to my T, seeing the parallels with other people (or sometimes everyone!) in my life, and making changes based on that awareness.
So if I were looking at the behavior that rainbow has identified as problematic (crossing her T's boundaries, for example), I'd be looking around at my H and my friends and asking myself whether I routinely or occasionally cross anyone else's boundaries, or otherwise try to "push" myself on people too much, or too quickly. I'd take a look at relationships that have ended when I didn't want them to end and ask whether this might have been a factor in them. Etc, etc.
Anne