A big 10-4 on that one. Go find yourself a reputable psychiatrist (I use university health systems) and get a psych evaluation. they are trained professionals and get to the root of why you are feeling the way you are.
There is no reason to keep dealing with the hell you are going through now. It took a lot of guts and I had to swallow my pride (not easy for a country boy to do), but I admitted to myself I was no longer strong enough to cope on my own. That was the day I let my friend's parents take me to the ER. Dont let it get to that point. That week in the mental health unit cost $27,000. Just glad Dad had great insurance.
Good luck and best wishes