so I am bipolar.
I am struggling these past few days.
My therapist and I came up with putting "things in context" and managing emotions.
Well with my friends I always seem tranquile or happy. I am not this, I have been given this curse for a while. I am a nice guy to everyone, and paining inside.
I use excess sleep, isolation, masterbation and porn to avoid emotions and it leaves me with a pill of things I needed to do and this ill procastination cycle sucks. I stress out about girls all the time and it prevents me from focusing my eye on the prize.
I envy people that can go with the flow and let things just rool off their back. I can let things go, but first I want to be myself and express my concerns and feelings.
I have my context level way off, I isolate, and then I am overly expressive and it comes off in a cutie amusing way. The sad emotions are sucked away into this votex that looms in the back of me with a smile in the front, I look forward to go home, sit in my room and masterbate to sleep or for relief. I can't live in the moment and rolls with these emotions. i feel I am not myself. I am not raw. Merely, we guarded when times are tough, isolated from my friends, and then coming out with a pleasant demeanor which now sickens me. I want to break this cycle, and live because its to short. I am afraid to try something else so I revert to this sleep porn and M. I am angry. I even go on this site to rant about it. I don't tell my friends wheen I really suck like now! I am isolative as we speak. It is so hardened inside that I can't cry eventhough I want too. I can be real to anyone, not even myself. cryyyyyyyyyyy. I want to break my mold, drop the act, be real, and **** being the perfectionist Im not. A human with an emotional disorder, poor concentration, emotionless with real emotions eating away at him, at me. A nice guy tired of being a nice guy, ****ing tired, wanting to be real, raw, and honest. Open to the people that care about me... Discard the layers and protection that are worthless in my mind. ****IN worthless. Drives people away... drives me to lock up and jack off to flatten the fear and uncertainty of risk and movement. **** ME, **** this feeling of fear and closed-offness. how come I can share this to my peeps. I protect my self and do it here. I love it and hate it. I hate analysis. I do it too much and it kills me. I renders me , unfunctionalble or a ghost to my friends, until I feel energy to be the nice guy I dislike when it is not athentic and a by product of this cycle I wrote. . It can be authentic, but all the emotional strain and abuse inside and to my body with the constant self-pleasuring to not find another way to manage these emotions. So everyone thinks Im nice, well ****ing yeah, I isolate and sself soothe internally to devoid you of my stuggles and pain, and then we never grow together and our friendship doesn't move deeper.