Thank you Byz. I try to keep thinking that the questions about the horses are just questions, present facts. I do try to think black and white, stay black and white.

And I try not to get emotional, but its very hard to describe and recall when so much shock and emotionality is also with the answers. My brain is so artistic and likes to picture everything, its just the way it is, so the pictures that are there are too harsh and too much emotion.

Like perhaps the pictures that come to a man who has seen real combat, hard to talk about without seeing the terrible pictures and events within the brain and all the emotions that come and yet are somewhat trapped there too as there was not enough time to process all at once.

I think it is something the brain does when there is too much all at once and it cant handle it, like when the body is so badly injured and the brain somehow knows to go into a coma like state until the body is capable of accepting a certain amount of pain.

And that is what is so hard about what I have this PTSD because in my case somehow this occurance was such a shock I couldn't process it all at once, it just kept coming so many images all bad, all sad, too much.

But what that also did is bring in all the other bad things that I never really was able to process, I just thought I did but I didn't, they never got resolved for me. So
there is an intertwining that is going on in my brain and it is imagages that have frightened me in my past and along with that are many voices of denial.

So what happens is that somehow my brain shuts down because it doesn't want to feel that pain altogether, or if it is presented with a question that takes it by surprise, which basically what a depositon does, my brain can either start just trapping with the pictures or emotions in a flashback, or it can fill with the anxiety of many events that are a warning that says too much all at once, or it already seems to have this way of shutting down and I can't think in steps like normally.

And the problem is that I cannot control it for some reason and it frightens me.
It frightens me because others that see the different parts dont understand what is taking place and consider me incapable which is really not fair, the truth is I am somehow injured and my brain somehow is trying to protect me and I don't know how or which reaction will present itself.

I have been trying to work on that all this time. There are many ways my brain can get from one step to another like I do in PC solving questions and my brain says, yes I can do that. And I think in the beginning I was trying to do that alot to get my brain to somehow slowly learn how to do that with the trauma, but the way this lawsuit and all the damage is still there and unpredictable in some unexpected ways, my brain has trouble with that. It is like a continuation of the trama that is in many ways still occuring.

I dont know if that makes sense but that is what is so difficult about how this lawsuit and the Lawyer making mistakes and not being sure about him and all the bills and I cant keep up and still injured animals, nothing has been allowed to be normal at all.
So, I think my brain is tired and very sensitive. And I dont know how to fix that.
I have been trying. Usually in trauma healing the events are in the past, and I can't really say that so I am asking a lot of my brain I guess.

That is what I have been trying to do on PC, build strength in the me that was strong and could think normally and only presenting the trauma a little here and there and see how that can be thought out. But so much is still happening that I fall short and my brain today showed me that. It was very upsetting, because I have been working so hard at this.

My brain was literally shutting off and refusing to function, I could not work or do anything, I went up to bed and crashed. All my efforts to try to get through and grab hold failed, my brain just would not do it. Thats scarey to me. And it just happened, I didn't know it was going to happen. I have been doing so much better until all these issues with my attorney came up and the thought of trying to look at all the file to refresh my memory, oh, my brain will not let me do that, its like it just shuts down.

And I think that is what eskielover was experiencing too. It wasn't that the she didn't want to get the task done, it was that her brain would not allow her to go there and the battle put her in a very bad place.

And I want so badly to get through this, but I honestly don't know what my brain will do if it is pushed around. I wish I could open my head and say here, see what happened see it? Because there are so many images that are real and it really happened, but I can't do that, I have to allow myself to be in a situation where the purpose is to sneak up on me, you know that is how they opperate a depositon.
And I cant just say, hey look this or that might happen because all this that your asking hurt my brain and it is very sensitive and by the way they have a name for it, its called PTSD.

And dont forget my neighbor had intruded on me even with the lawsuite taking place. So there is an awful lot there, even in that reaches back to some troubling places in my past. And I had no idea that is a very sensitive area in my brain that I have to be careful with, I didn't realize that was there until this all created so much loss.

Open Eyes