Rainbow...

After reading all of the posts from people who have successful e-mail relationships with their Ts, I thought you might benefit from a different kind of response. So, here goes...

I don't e-mail with my T precisely because, if I did, I would be in much the same boat you are in now. It would start of innocently enough but, after awhile, I would start writing her longer and more frequent e-mails and I would start hitting "refresh" in my inbox to see if T had responded, and when I got a short, standard response, I would feel as though my T didn't care enough about all of the important, sensitive information I shared with her. I would then respond-- not by backing off like perhaps I should-- but by writing her even more personal and even more intense e-mails in order to try to elicit a bigger response. It would be a disaster. So, for me, I know that I can never start e-mailing with T because there is no possibility that it could end well. It's something I have to accept.

So, while e-mail may be a productive therapeutif tool for others, I benefit more from T establishing clear boundaries-- and then respecting them. This means that I also have to sit with my feelings even when I FEEL like I want to contact her. It's not always easy. In fact, sometimes it's quite hard. But it's something I have to do. I used to be really bad about maintaining appropriate boundaries-- and other people used to enable me by accepting my boundary crossings or crossing the boundaries themselves. For me, I struggle with wanting to "push" a mother/daughter relationship on older women who take an interest in me. For awhile, things would be wonderful-- but then I would want more and I would push too much-- and my pushing would push them away. I know that I still have those same desires, and that mother/daughter dynamic still comes up with my T. It would be SO EASY for me to test T's limits and see how much of maternal attention I could get her to give me. I know that I could "get more" out of her if I tried-- she has some flexibiility and I could push a bit more before I reached her limit. But, to do so, would be to display negative behavior that I have worked hard to change. It is SO much better to control my behaviors, to exercise patience, and to allow T to CHOOSE to share personal details with me, CHOOSE to tell me that she cares about me, and CHOOSE to ask me questions like "how can I support you?" This is the first time in life I haven't "pushed" someone to give me those things and, instead, let someone come to me and offer them. It feels so much better to know that when T offers things to me, she is doing so because she WANTS to, not because I am making her or she wants to appease me. As a result, my relationship with her is so much stronger AND I feel so much better about myself. It's taken a year and a half, but my feelings of neediness are also subsiding. They're not gone-- they're something I still struggle with sometimes-- but they are not nearly as strong as they used to be. And, when they arise, I'm able to control them. When I feel like I want to e-mail T or call T or text T, I write in my journal. (I keep a therapy journal on my computer). I write down everything I want to say if she were going to read it-- but I don't send it. However, those times when I write down something I DO want her to read, I print it out, and I bring it into session. She reads it, and then we talk about it. This is much better for me because it gives me the option of showing her how I was feeling during the week, but it maintains her boundaries (and mine) of only doing therapy during session-- and it ensures that she will respond, in detail, to what I share. Because I have her right there, I can ask her follow up questions and make sure that we discuss everything we need to. I'm not left with the feeling of having shared something meaningful with T and then getting a response like "the weather is nice today." That woudl be too painful for me. Anyway, I'm probably sharing more detail than you need, but I just want you to know that you are not alone-- you are not the only one who cannot do e-mail with T! And that's OKAY. For me, it's more therapeautic that T does NOT do e-mail... and I think a sign of a good T is somehow who will enforce boundaries when they need to. Sometimes, we have to learn that what we want may not actually be good for us!