The only day I can see T is on Friday, because I have two young children at home and Friday is the day my H works from home. T has late hours on Monday and Tuesday, but my oldest son has baseball on Monday and Tuesday until 9 or so. T hasn't been very available on Fridays, so my H has been taking Thursday mornings off so I can go. Today, my H told me he can't do that anymore.

October is a super tricky month for me. It's been the month when I've almost been hospitalized, when I spiral into a bad place, the month I started therapy 4 years ago. Just bad. Last October, I worked VERY VERY HARD to do a lot of healing, and this October really does feel better. Less triggery in general, which is amazing and so wonderful. AND there is still this underlying fear that I can't quite shake.

My dog is sick, we are in the middle of the hardest stuff, it's October...I NEED therapy. I do. And the financial stuff looked like it was going to make it impossible, but now I think T and I can work it out.

BUT this October, T is only available one out of the four Fridays. So, I had to cancel my appointment for this week And I'll see him next Friday and then it's two more weeks without T.

I know for some people that's no big deal, but it is a big deal for me. T is my stability. I feel like I'm losing the thing that keeps me stable and okay.

I am completely overwhelmed. I have to leave here at 4:30 to take my oldest son to baseball, and I am sitting here surrounded by groceries I haven't put away yet (including refrigerated/frozen stuff) my camping laundry is insane and I'm in the middle of that, I'm not done with my boys' school for the day, and I'm just paralyzed. I'm too overwhelmed to function. I keep thinking that i need to do the next right thing, but it's like i can't move. I feel like I weigh 5489505 pounds. I am sad. And scared.

I left a message for T canceling Thursday and I asked if he can call so we can see if there is ANYTHING else we can work out. One of T's biggest boundaries is his work hours. I know he won't add an hour at the end of the day or whatever to squeeze me in, and that's fine, really. I understand that it's a boundary, and I completely respect that.

But damn, I feel so lost and overwhelmed and paralyzed. I'm not sure what to do. I can't just sit here surrounded by my groceries forever. Help.