I saw T yesterday, and I really wanted to address what we worked on last week....but I also wanted to avoid it. *sigh*

I had just gotten my blood test results back, and I was a bit upset about it because I have several issues that need to be addressed (liver enzymes, sodium level, cholesterol, thyroid)...and I'm scared. I avoided getting bloodwork done for so long...and here it is, the results. Blech.

Anywho...

In T, after talking about the medical stuff for a bit, I told him that I think I'm just avoiding talking about last week....and then we got into it.

And I shared something about me that I never told T before....a very strong, consistent pattern.....that, at times, I have a strong desire to feel cared for (by him, was the most recent trigger, last week)....like a desperation...and then I beat myself up emotionally to the point of pain and numbness....so that I don't feel that strong desire anymore. I feel that numb protected shell that says I don't need anyone to care about me.

T said that that seems like a lot of work. I told him that it was better than what I used to do, which was cutting. T said that this seems to be the emotional equivalent....like getting an itch on your arm and scratching it so hard to feel pain and then numbness, but the itch is gone.

That's exactly it.

He wants to continue to talk about this at my next session. I guess it's progress talking about this...because I know it's what I go through on a very regular basis.