I have to post 5 times before I can chat and I have no idea what to say. So I will be just talking. I feel immobilized lately. More than that I feel like I can do nothing, if I want to paint it gives me anxiety, if I want to eat it gives me anxiety, if I try to sit on the couch it gives me anxiety.. everything is wrong, I don't know how to deal with the leftovers of the traumas. I'm not even sure If I am positive what they were. Was it molestation by a family member that made me this way? Was it my absent father who lied twice to say I would see him only to sit still waiting all dressed up all day alone? Maybe it was my step-father's drunken attempt to choke me to death.. maybe it was none of those things, but how much time I spent alone to care for my younger siblings with no direction or guidance. Now, I sit here wondering how do I find the strength in myself to make my fake smiles feel real?