((((JD)))))

Before I came here the only other thing I did do was voice my opinion to certain articles that are presented on my home page to my computer. And it didn't take long to see how many people can be so incredibly cruel about certain issues that really did not warrant the cruel remarks.

So given that, I realized that the reality is that some people are just really not nice people for whatever unknown reason.

People who have PTSD have to be careful because we can take it personally and we can be triggered and quickly snap depending on how difficult we struggle.

How I use the internet, and basically PC because I don't wander around. I use it as a way to understand my triggers and try to work through them. It is so easy to fall into a bad place psychologically when someone struggles with PTSD. And outside PC, it has been really hard on me and I am really struggling at times. I have way too much on my plate and with my condition, I really should not be in the situation I am in.

When you post about feeling like your not good enough or useful anymore that is the PTSD talking. I have been trying very hard outside PC to fight that feeling because I am really struggling trying to care for these animals, trying to somehow run my business, which I am really struggling with, just cant seem to keep on top of because I am constantly battling this Lawsuit and damage and an aging attorney and I am at my witts end. And its so hard and I know you have experience with that too.

FALLING, that is scarey because it is hard to control and is extremely exhausting.
I have to say that I fell really bad on Sunday and I didn't know what to do. I came here and didn't really quite know how to ask for help. It seems like all I have been doing is falling and getting up and falling and getting up and this Sunday I couldn't get up and I was really afraid.

I got into a debate in the Current events as I was also falling this morning and trying to stop it. And my husband was asking questions and customers were calling and I was trying so hard. And that one debate brought me out of it, and I could see how it was working and dam my husband wouldn't leave me alone, ugh, he kept pushing and talking and I just kept typing and trying to say go away, cause your going to push me and I am hanging in here trying not to fall.

Now you would think by that thread that I was upset, but I wasn't, I was engaged and I really needed that because it was keeping me from falling because it was letting my brain get away from dealing with things I couldn't deal with outside PC that my husband kept pushing in my face.

And it is so hard to explain to other people how this happens and how I need them to leave me alone so I can do whatever I need to do to get my brain saying, ok, I can do this, which was what I was doing in that thread. It is almost like the brain just slips gears all of a sudden and I have to quickly try to put the clutch in before it slips into that bad gear. Because my brain really doesn't want to go and continue this draining process I am in.

And for me the Reality is that my brain has been struggling with what I am dealing with outside PC for too long. And as much as I want to get things done my brain just wont go there anymore. When I touch those files and am asked to remember and I know that I will be watched, the truth is, my brain just doesn't want to go there. And I am trying my hardest to get my brain to just hang on and my OWN brain is fighting me. I am afraid because I really don't know what my brain will do or how it will react to questions where I have to recall things that my brain does not want to recall anymore. Because my brain cant see the pictures anymore, because I am asked to remember I flashback and it isn't pretty and it is very emotional and I never got to put it to rest in these past four years.

But you know, and I know and others know, the system that I am in DOES NOT CARE! And JD, people do not understand that nor do they care to understand that.
Does that sound familiar, because you told me that along time ago.

And when you get on the net, your just a name among many and the same rings true there as well, people don't know your struggle and many people don't care to know.

But, there are some voices and names that DO KNOW AND CARE JD. And those are the ones that you have to remember, those are good ones among the many others that can be cold hearted and come at you and not say nice things.

And that is when you have to utalize the psychologist side of you, because that part of you knows better. And you have to work around that shift that is hard to keep from down shifting and grinding the gears of your brain. And you have to learn how to find ways to quickly put in the clutch to change gear before you slip. AND ITS HARD BECAUSE THAT CLUTCH IS TRICKY AND IT DOESN'T ALWAYS CATCH.

Brains that do not struggle with PTSD have very good clutches that they can shift easily and so they cannot understand how your clutch is badly worn and you can't shift the way you used to. And it doesn't mean your worthless, it doesn't mean your stupid, and it doesn't mean you have no purpose. But it does make it very hard at times and its very frustrating when that clutch wont catch and your coasting down a hill. But, your not alone JD, I hear you, I have a bad clutch too and sometimes it just doesn't catch. But it doesn't mean I am stupid, but it does make it very challenging for me at times.

PC has been the only thing right now where I can try to practice using my worn out clutch and fiddle with it a bit. But I have to be honest, when I go to that deposition I don't know if that clutch will work at all. And I am afraid. But I am here and trying to figure it out and trying to remember that I am still worth it too. Because somedays I feel just like you, so your not alone, I am scared too, I hope that clutch will work for me when I need it, but I don't know if it will, because sometimes it just doesn't.

Ok, so you tell me, if I get to that place in that room and my clutch wont work, does that mean I am unworthy of the air I breath? Because I know that feeling JD, I do.
Can you reach down somewhere and give ME and answer? Right now the only way I can prepare is to not prepare because my brain will not look at the file, it just dives.
I don't know, should I waste any more oxygen? Can you take in some oxygen to tell me something I can do? Because thats really why your important, I am sure you will come up with something.

Open Eyes