Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes
I don't know how to explain this, I am not sure what tools I can use for this.
I know I now have a deposition scheduled, and I am uncomfotable with my attorney. I know that I am going to be asked questions and probably now it will be the hard ones.
I am worried I will not do well, I havent been able to look at my records and I know why, its so connected to so much pain and my brain gets very exhausted at even the thought of it. I have been trying to work on this for so long but with all the complications, it really has made it harder.
And I tried to tell my therapist and he just wants to talk about my past, and I keep trying to tell him how much I need to just get through this process and I don't think he understands that I am trying to look for some psychological strength to do this.
Last depositon was hard because I don't know what will happen as far as how my brain will react to being pushed in a place it doesn't seem to want to go anymore. And at the end, just as the hard questions came, I started flashbacking. I can't get out of a flashback and its so embarrassing, and I cant garuntee it wont happen either.
I am supposed to be on my way to a job, but I couldn't do it, luckily my husband was here and he angrily took over and is on his way to do it.
I hate how this happens, I wanted to just push everything away and just do my job, but my brain was not good this morning and I became dizzy and nauseous and very tired, and this time, I could not go.
I tried so hard to explain to my husband what is happening with me and then I told him that the deposition coming is not setting well with my brain. And then he got mad and said that it is two weeks away and I tried to tell him how much I have been trying to talk to myself, get myself through this. And if I am not careful I turn on that rage, because I am fighting myself and so angry about not being able to control this. And this morning I was starting to get these half flashbacks and I didn't know where to put them. Oh I hate when this happens and I really try to work through it.
I am not afraid of the truth or revealing it. I am afraid that if she asks these questions I will fall apart and flashback and god knows what. I hate this, why can't I control this? I am so afraid I will look crazy somehow and I don't want that to happen. But this brain of mine just doesn't want to look at it and I dont know how to do it and not have something happen that I can't control. And I know when I sit in that room with them, and my attorney, there will be no presense there I can trust. That alone touches on bad memories that are all intertwined somehow.
I don't know how to prepare for this, I am very afraid of what my brain may do that I cannot control somehow. And as soon as I try to think about it, my brain gets very tired somehow and very dizzy. What do I do about this? And I feel like I am failing at doing this, I am failing at being strong. And everything I try to think about, it doesn't seem to stop my brain from falling into such a exhausted state that says, please don't do this anymore. How can I work through this? I don't even understand what it means or why it happens. Part of me realizes that I get badly triggered by my attorney now, his fault not mine. And I am losing time all the time, there is a part of me that is asking for some kind of break, some kind of rest and everything just keeps coming and its exhausting me.
What if my brain tries to shut off during the process like it is trying to do right now, I am writing this but it is like my brain is some how enebriated and doesn't want to function. How awful is this? Why can't I control this, what is this? Why cant I seem to stop this? I am struggling to even finish this question. Why?
Open Eyes
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Hi! Why are you so afraid of your brain??? I have been in similar situations with my bipolar condition. The biggest question I would always ask myself was, "What if ...", and that was a demeaning question. However, it was indicative of my lack of self esteem, and the fear of walking under the proverbal dark cloud that always showered down problems of all kinds upon me. I am getting the sensation that may be where you are at.
Try and concentrate, or set up some specific, realistic goals for yourself, then think about that ... and only that. Sometimes, when we try and concentrate onthe
whole picture, we overloook the tiny pieces that can offer us hope ... sort of looking at the whole forest, and not at the one sturdy oak tree standing before our eyes.
I kind of know what PSTD is like ... my father had it, and I have a touch it from all the abuse I have suffered ..., but I am determined to win the "marathon" of it all. I will admit that it is not easy, but it is "do-able". My faith has helped me a great deal.
Living a life of forgiveness is greater than a single act of forgiving someone for something they have done to us. I cannot tell you, or anyone else how to do that. It is a path that we must
discover for ourselves, otherwise nothing is gained. (No pain, no gain).
You have a wonderful brain, Open Eyes! Don't abuse it by putting the wrong kind of "gas" into it. Keep it simple. Don't clutter it. You are the one in control. You do not need to know your whole record even tho' you might want to. Separate what you absolutely need from what you want. Might help you see things in a different light.
Yes, you have to deal with the past before you can deal with the future. I think this is where your T is coming from. Try and look at things from his perspective. I did not learn how to do this until I lost my T and was thrown into an "ocean" of insecurity and had to learn how to swim ... without a lifegaurd on duty.
Hope this helps!
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Remember, no matter how many times you go down ... come up for air!
