I get to go in to see my T on wednesday. I haven't seen him since the end of November. I am scared too...and excited. I miss him but I don't relish the thought of having to look closely at my recent behavior. I have been doing the SI thing fairly regularly this last week and absolutely hate having to bring it out into the light. I have always hidden the fact that I do this and having to discuss it with someone is extremely uncomfortable to me. When I become uncomfortable I am more likely to injure so I have to ask myself if it is a good idea to bring it up in session. *carrie laughs ruefully* You know what my problem is? I really like hurting myself. I just can't imagine a life without this in it. I like the way it feels to be totally wacked then to take action against those miserable feelings and have them go away. I like the heaviness afterwards and how well I sleep when it is all said and done. When I am freaking out I feel wired and alive and when I hurt myself I feel in control and calm. I have just grown so accustomed to this way of life. But I know that I am missing something. That this way is not the only way and it is dangerous, accidents happen. There must be other ways to feel alive without feeling miserable. There must be another way to feel calm and good without pain. I just have to learn what it is. I have to know what it is that I am replacing this habit with. Unfortunately no one has given me a satisfactory answer when I ask them what I replace it with...or maybe I just don't have faith that what they are telling me is the truth. It sucks not being able to trust anyone. But dang, what the H***, what have we got to loose giving it yet another go. It isn't like we can't go back to the old ways if it doesn't work out right? I will try to listen to my T and trust in his advice but he had better not worm his way around the subject because I want to know why. I get tired of being given placating answers and you would really be better off nots. I want to know why. I want to know that he knows why I do it and why I should stop. I figure it he doesn't know the facts then there is no reason for me to listen to him. I never believed all the grown ups who told me that if I swallowed gum it would sit in my stomach for 7 years, I swallowed the gum just to spite them because they were lying to me. If you can process a penny in 8 hours you can do the same with a wad of gum. It was stupid. Lies to make me do what they wanted me to do. I hate being lied to. I hate people telling me "facts" that are not true just because they heard it somewhere else and believe it because they are too lazy to think the darn thing through. I hate this garbage about what is good for me, that I shouldn't eat wheat just because a portion of the population is alergic to wheat. I am not. I makes me feel good and sated. Pasta makes me feel calm and happy but I keep hearing that it is bad for me. What is up with that? Don't drink aspertame because it gives rats cancer. Doesn't matter that the rats were feed enough of it to sweeten a 1000 gallons of pop. Anything will mess you up if you eat it at such a high dosage. People just don't think about it, just take "their" word for it then expect me to change my habits because they believe half truths and 3/4 lies and it is all bull. Then I ask myself as my T sits there spouting off his little diatribe, is he as gullable, as easily swayed as the people around me or is his "knowledge" not only based on what he was taught and what he read but also based on the thoughtful process of consideration of the "facts" and if the statistics are skewed or if they make sense as they sit together.

Sigh, I too am afraid to go to my T because I want to believe but am afraid of being duped.
Carrie