Milly, it is such a release when you cut. It releases all your feelings, the ones you understand and the ones you don't. But the first thing I thought of when I read your post was that you are at school and how are you going to hide them in gym or in the heat of summer. Trust me, it is no fun wearing long sleeved shirts 365 days a year. I am in the same place as you at the mo, and when you struggle with disassociativedisorder as well it really doesn't help. I have to make sure the kids are away from me when I get dressed, and I won't go in the water with them. It is a shame and embarassment as I am missing out on so much. It is even more shameful when I have to face up to the drs several times a week to get dressings changed- I can never leave scabs alone. For people who don't know me e.g. all the numerous hospital staff who take blood tests and insert luers i feel totally ashamed about telling them what all the marks are. The 1st really bad scars I did 9 years ago are starting to fade, but meant that my wedding dress had to be long sleeved- luckily I designed it myself so it all went together. But these are only the 'superficial' issues. I hope you are able to find just 1 activity that you could do to distraact yourself, and remember that you can't just stop overnight. (p.s. a confession...I SI last night too. Don't know what on earth I am going to tell my nurse...if my husband finds out he said he will fight me right through the courts to get the kids taken out of my care, and even that wasn't enough to stop me. Just too much stress...)
((((((milly))))))