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(JD) · Oct 05, 2011, 08:58 AM

Quote:

Brains that do not struggle with PTSD have very good clutches that they can shift easily and so they cannot understand how your clutch is badly worn and you can't shift the way you used to. And it doesn't mean your worthless, it doesn't mean your stupid, and it doesn't mean you have no purpose. But it does make it very hard at times and its very frustrating when that clutch wont catch and your coasting down a hill. But, your not alone JD, I hear you, I have a bad clutch too and sometimes it just doesn't catch. But it doesn't mean I am stupid, but it does make it very challenging for me at times.

PC has been the only thing right now where I can try to practice using my worn out clutch and fiddle with it a bit. But I have to be honest, when I go to that deposition I don't know if that clutch will work at all. And I am afraid. But I am here and trying to figure it out and trying to remember that I am still worth it too. Because somedays I feel just like you, so your not alone, I am scared too, I hope that clutch will work for me when I need it, but I don't know if it will, because sometimes it just doesn't.

Ok, so you tell me, if I get to that place in that room and my clutch wont work, does that mean I am unworthy of the air I breath? Because I know that feeling JD, I do.
Can you reach down somewhere and give ME an answer?

Excellent analogy. I almost felt like Job, with your diatribe and question (and I mean that in a good way) except of course, Job was as perfect as someone could be (with God)...and I am not.

My pain and stress management psychologist told me recently he's never seen anyone who hates herself as much as I.

I have no reason for such sentiment. I'm not perfect, but just genuinely feel I am worthless except for sound bites in life for others. I meander aimlessly in life, looking for some way to participate and it hasn't worked out since the accident. That's a really long time to "keep trying"... 25 years. I'm spent.