So today I hit breaking point at work. It was bound to happen eventually - I could feel it coming. I've had a few tearful moments over the past week or so but I've been able to brush them off pretty quickly. Today I had some anxiety in the morning and it's almost like my mind was just waiting on an event to trigger me into a meltdown. It's always related to a student (I work in a school) - it's never personal events, but something going wrong for one of the kids I work with, that will tip me over the edge. I think I throw myself into their problems because they have had far shittier lives than me.

Anyhow, I made it to the end of a day, then went to see a member of staff about the aforementioned student, but only got a few sentences in before breaking down in tears. She was great and we went to a quiet room and she listened to the concern about the student and suggested ways forward. Then she offered to get a friend/colleague who a) I'm very close to, b) I respect and admire, and c) is trained and experienced in psychotherapy etc. I faltered on this because as much as I sometimes want to open up and share things with her and let her be supportive, I worry that she will regret being available to me and feel that I've crossed a line with her. Anyway the other member of staff insisted.

My friend/colleague sat with me for over an hour and listened, guessed and asked. She reads people scarily well - she can work out a lot just by looking at me, and also just reads the vibes I'm giving off, if that makes sense. I don't know exactly what she does, but whatever it was it worked - she asked questions here and there, was smart enough to work out the gaps in what I wasn't saying, and let me talk where I needed to. Between what I revealed and the things unsaid that she figured out for herself, she eventually said, "Have you considered that you might be bipolar?"

There was almost a sense of relief in hearing it - I have suspected it for so long but at the same time convinced myself that I must be over-exaggerating things. Obviously her opinion is not an official diagnosis by any means, and she was clear on that also, but to hear somebody else suggest it, and a professional, no less, made me feel like, "Okay, there *is* a possibility that there's something legitimately wrong, I'm not simply a screwed-up person". And then she sat and talked with me about how wide the spectrum of bipolar is, and explained various things and talked through things with me. She's going to lend me a book about it. And, most importantly, she made it clear that our conversation would go no further than that room.

I feel very relieved, eternally grateful, and also apprehensive. I always freak out a little when I've revealed myself to someone in this way, and I held off from doing so with this person for a long time, even though I knew in many ways she would be the best person to confide in, because I was so worried about her reaction. I know that she won't take advantage of the vulnerability I've shown, or offer support that she doesn't mean, but I still have the automatic guilt that I took up an hour of her time (everyone else had long gone home by the time we came out) and it wasn't even work-related. In the past, when I've broken down in front of friends, I've been so mortified (no matter how supportive they may have been) I've often opted for completely ignoring them for a couple of weeks until I get over it. We work together very closely so that's not an option this time! But maybe it's good that I can't run away from it.

Mixed feelings... just wanted to share.