I've been doing some reading on PTSD. I feel like complex PTSD may be what I'll be dealing with. I re-read your response after an episode tonight and believe it would be a good idea to explore some of these events. I worry that I will not feel the same way later. Its hard to even think about these things directly without extreme anxiety. I'm pretty sure I've developed some type of personality disorder along the way. I hope to attend the next appropriate session with DocJohn. I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes, but I know that's impossible because I've already gone. The few things I mentioned in the first post were the things I've kind of faced somewhat, there are still things I don't know how to feel about. I don't know if this is appropriate to talk about (like, you know, right here on a public forum) but I need to at least add one thing and that's that one New Year's when I was about 13 I allowed myself to be subjected to a situation that got much more out of hand than I could have ever imagined and as a result I am not expected to ever have children. I doubt sometimes if I am fit to have children mentally and maybe God was saving future generations by sacrificing me, but that sounds like psycho-babble just seeing myself type it. I know better. I still go in these cycles asking myself why. Well, I just felt I needed to put something down in a recorded manner or let it out or whatever.. so I don't explode. (just kidding I know I will not explode literally..) Then you know I think, maybe if I fix myself then God will fix me and I can have a baby. I mean, what use is a woman who cannot have a child? I haven't been able to do anything else useful thus far. And so I must quit the chatter.