On my t session, my t said that she is glad that my religious beliefs include the idea that as humans, we are imperfect, and make mistakes. (She knows how hard i am on myself!) I told her i have tried so hard to be the right sort of person and cultivate good qualities and shun bad qualities -- but that perhaps i have been trying SOOO hard to do what is right that i have dismissed any of my thoughts and feelings that didn't conform to my beliefs. So over time, i have denied or pushed away every unkind or harmful thoughts or feelings to the point where i didn't notice when i was hurt or angry!!

So, over time, i sort of lost touch with any part of myselt that couldn't meet that high Biblical standard. In effect, without realizing it, i was trying to make myself as perfect as possible. Which really meant getting rid of any part of me that couldn't meet that high standard and toe the line. I wasn't really learning how to acknowledge and work with the parts of myself that fell short -- i was denying their existence.

In thinking about this, i believe it may be a BPD trait coming into play -- an "all black" or "all white" mode of thinking. It didn't occur to me to accept myself as imperfect and work on my imperfections. Just to get rid of them. (This was not the fault of my religious teachings, but my own distorted way of seeing things.)

When i think about my family growing up, i guess it's no surprise that I'm fearful of negative emotions. My family never talked about any scary, angry, or otherwise unpleasant feelings. None of my family showed them, except my dad, and they were quickly covered up and "forgotten." Now that i am starting to feel my feelings, i find some of them to be very scary and unpleasant. I don't "want" to ever feel mad, envious, harbor a grudge, or be unkind to anybody!! I find that i am terrified of certain feelings!!!

I'm hoping that my feelings get less scary to experience over time. Many of them still feel very scary to me. I never learned to deal with them as a kid. Just drowned them out with music, or rocking, or escaping into sleep. To this day, when i get emotionally stressed, i immediately feel physically exhausted and want to go to sleep. But i've learned it's a defense, an escape from feelings.

So part of what i've been working on in therapy is learning to experience my feelings without panicking or feeling shame or denying them. It's starting to dawn on me that the feelings themselves are not dangerous or wrong. It's what I "do" about them that is important. For example, if i feel angry, I can accept the feeling and work with the anger, but it doesn't mean i need to go pummel somebody. Or if something hurts me, i can admit i feel hurt and figure out what to do about it, rather than saying "I don't care; it's no big deal." It's a whole different way of approaching emotions than what i learned growing up.

I am hoping that this new way of viewing feelings might make me a better Christian because i will be accepting reality more and becoming more balanced. I'll be trying to be the best i can be, without feeling that i must try to be perfect.