I just do. I'm not sure this post even belongs here, or anywhere. Just general stress, I guess, and icky wet cloudy weather, and no sleep, and too much to do, and too much uncertainty. I could post in Kudos because of asking for hugs, or in depression because I just feel like I'm slipping a little, or any number of other places psychotherapy, dissociative, self-esteem, personality, ....

Both of my supervisors at work have not been there in a few weeks. One suddenly quit when she was just starting to train me, but wasn't really, so I'm rather lost there. The other one told me she might take another job. She's just out on maternity leave right now, but the rumor mill says she did take the other job. I sabotaged myself for getting promoted by telling the director that I've got a year or two to finish my degree and then I'll probably want to find a job more directly in my field. I like it where I am. One one side, they treat employeed very respectfully and frequently tell me that they appreciate me, but on the other side they don't really seem to want to give me much chance to really do anything other than be a paper pusher. They are more and more, but I'm frustrated with my limits and that I'm just an hourly employee which means that I don't get educational benefits and other benefits that others do get, and it's hard not to resent that and feel worthless.

And I'm stressed out with school and trying to get everything done, and not ever having enough time to sleep.

I'm living in a fog more often than not. Dealing with hard personal stuff too. Trying to figure out who I am, and how to be independent and autonomous without abandoning my family. I figured out that's about balance. I've been too dependent, so I need to move in the direction of independence, but not to the opposite extreme and not need anyone at all.

T pulled apart my various ego states and although I'm not DID she had me talking about myself in the third person and first person plural (she and we). My parts share the same memory, but still seem to act independently, and I switch so frequently that I can't keep track of it. The biggest and most powerful part is the one that I hate. She whines all the time. She might even be the part that is writing right now. No, I guess not but she's probably the one that started. This is more like the part that is trying - trying to make sense of it all and to change. This part is literally only about three years old. She was what woke up after the incidents in 2003, that knew that something had to change. No wonder it feel like I haven't lived most of my life, huh?

Anyway, I'm sorry I haven't been very available. I'm hoping to be able to do some catching up this weekend.

((((((((hugs)))))))))) Thanks for reading this. Love,
Rap