Interesting question. My feeling about my (partially) failed therapy (which I have posted about at nauseating length on this forum) is that

I WAS PROTECTING MY COLD DISTANT T.

I think I was trying to show him that i was a good patient (he took great pleasure in being a "doctor" rather than a helper or therapist and insisted on being called Doctor T) teamed up with a great doctor.

It was b.s., and I knew it all along!

I felt that I was protecting him from seeing that the therapy had bogged down, and that dishonesty on my part really messed things up.

the less "okay" i felt, the more "okay" I pretended to be! Pretty soon, no therapy. Now, I've decided that when I'm feeling most sketchy, uncertain, like I'm bungling things, I'm probably making some headway. In other words, when I leave my persona at the door, and enter as a human, then that's when realizations, change, and progress happen.

I think my T had a hand in creating a sterile, "okay" environment with his approach, which culminated in the bad day when he ordered me, "LET'S GO," when the therapy was bogging down. But I certainly played a part in things by presenting issues where I was the "good" patient rather than exploring my real issues surrounding shame -- and not being "okay."

I'm setting off on my next T journey feeling okay about not being "okay."
And if I get a T who can handle that, and join me there...good. If not, I'm packing up again.....and getting another.