Its almost that time of year again ...5 years next month till i got the present of PTSD from a piece of **** ... sorry, I am in the middle of a storm of rage at the moment so please excuse anythign i say that offends you ...or get me deleted cos I DONT CARE...sorry..... sigh....

and now i want to cry lol how dumb is that - but its ok I dont cry ....inside i do ...but i have no tears left...

I got to work tnoight I have been handling things wel - the anniversary is almost here and i had even managed to put it out of my mind...

and the storeroom where the guy came at me from at work - well they have taken the door off to re-use cos we are going to a temporary building whie a new building is being built - so i walk in and I see what I saw that night - minus man wiht metal pole of course lol and I didnt even realise it but I got SOOO ANGRY - i was being mean to the person i was/am working with (am on my break) hurtful and spiteful ... and thats not me ...or MAYBE IT IS OR SHOULD BE - maybe then they wouldnt have taken the frikkin door off wihtout even a second thought to what the hell it would do to me inside !!!!!!!!

ARRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! 10 hour shift......... 3 hours left and im a basket case....... and I want to scream and smash things and cry and run and shake my fist at the air and ........

IT SUPPOSED TO BE OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO BE TRIGGERED ITS BEEN 5 FRIKKIN YEARS

ITS A STUPID DOOR!!!!!!!

ON A STUPID ROOM!!!!!

AND THERE IS NOONE IN THERE NOW!!!

and i'm shaking and i want to run and hide...

and i feel such a fool and ...

I wish i could post this where no one would see - I'm ashamed....

but i need to say these things.........I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!

AND I HATE THE ME THAT CANT GET PAST IT

I died that night ....

he never hurt me but i died anyway....

and all there is left is the rage and the ghost and the person i made up and even she is a waste of space

I dont want to bring anyone down

I HATE THIS

and my T is dead - LONG LIVE T !

we're both dead...

only my body doesnt know it yet...