I think I wrote the book about this one, Readytostop. Except I call it "tapdancing" and I was an expert in tapdancing by the time I was four. I needed it to keep Mom doling out whatever emotional goodies I required. And have done it with SO's ever since. If you can trace this back to early childhood, I think you'll find the whole phenomenon quite interesting. It's connected with what some call a "false self."

In my case, for whatever reason, Mom just dissociated when I was a baby and toddler. So to keep her interested and paying attention I had to put on a special act. Not me, really, but whatever it took to keep her loving me. It was obvious that just plain me didn't fill the bill, cut the mustard, what have you. So one creates a character that gets what you need. Vaudeville. Show biz.

And of course, this is such an ingrained habit that when I'm with T I do the same thing without thinking. It's never, ever been a conscious thing. Always without thinking. And I put on my performance for T, who loves it, because I'm really, really good at it. I really am. A polished performer. Except that it sidesteps all the painful reality from which I suffer and that I'm seeing T to change.

Learning how NOT to tapdance is a trick. A hard job. If you've spent your life as Shirley Temple then not being Shirley Temple takes a lot of conscious thought and even physical effort. It's necessary. But it's worth it.

This is my take on your problem. I could be wrong. I could be off. But when I read your OP this is what came to mind. I'm sharing it with you in hopes that it will help you in your work with T. Take care!