21 years ago i felt exactly as you do. i offer you hope cause miracles do happen. i was even nicknamed "miracle jan" cause i was on the merry go round for some time fighting with myself-stop drinking or eff it.
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i got at least 10 more good drinking years left i think. i've been fighting myself a lot the last month, each time i start fighting this way i drink. I know that. It's probably only a matter of time. i'm rationalizing too much, im too hurt, im too whatever. i know where this leads but i can't stop. i don't know if i want to stop. i don't know.
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i used to look at ppl in the rooms, so happy and sober. i wanted to become like them but didn't want to give up the booze to get there. it is a struggle. i hope you'll keep going to meetings...i don't quite know why or how but it does work. being a drunk is like the worst job we will ever have. listen in meetings, share what's going on with you, rely on the group to be your higher power cause they have accomplished sobriety. bare your soul if you can. all you have to do is focus on just today if u want sobriety. i feel you do, imho. know MANY of us struggled. alcohol became our best friend. it's pull is overwhelmingly powerful. but we can stop and stay stopped if only we ask for the miracle and surrender to the fact alcohol controls us in all things not the other way around. in the long run, your life, is this what you want to settle for or do you want to be set free? feel free to pm me if you like.
i hope my comments help.
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Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours..~Ayn Rand
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