Oh wackywidow, I didn't see your response here. At least I don't remember if I did, oh isn't that awful. No, I would have responded.

Afraid of my brain? Oh thats is so hard to describe what the means to me. Maybe because of how it stores too many bad images, images I will never forget? And this PTSD is awful, and I think that depending on how much is there, the worse the symptoms can get. And the other problem is that I have been literally trapped with all this damage in ways I just can't even wrap my brain around.

I almost lost my life, had life saving surgery and it was a long road back to being me again and I actually had two surgeries within 10 days and I can't even remember how many hours I was on that table while they cleaned out my body cavity. And the pain was unreal once they stopped the morphine. I am actually really lucky to be here.

But that didn't effect me like this trama with losing so much of my hard work and so many animals. I cant figure that one out. No this snaped something in my brain. It just blew open some strange doorway to shock and despair and now as I look back I can see the stages that lead me up to where I am now. Only then after breaking, I am sure now I was in shock, I just could not absorb it all. And I just could not afford to get therapy when I really needed it. There was way too much damage and way too much expense, I had to be so careful and even depend on credit cards to help me get by. I was never prepared for anything like this to take place. And all this time the PTSD was getting worse. I really didn't have any idea how bad PTSD can be, I just thought it was a stress that I would just get over. No, this is actually pretty creepy and so hard to explain to others and hard to understand myself. I am not me at all and I cannot seem to control the shifts that take place and because I have been hanging in limbo with the damages and expenses and no real break and I could not afford therapy, my brain is so much worse. I am trying really hard to overcome this but now I can see how this long process of this lawsuit and a resolve hanging beyond my grasp has really taken such a toll.

And I want to find a way to somehow turn it off or outthink it or run from it or pretend it isn't there, but I can't because I am so trapped in this unresolve it is like a strange kind of torture to my brain. Oh I am trying very hard to work around this condition but when my brain just dives and shuts down and I honestly cant think clearly, that IS very scarey. And I get sooo angry and frustrated because I can't seem to bypass some of these days that I am bearly functioning. And I wake up feeling awful some days and sometimes the tears just run down my face and I cant stop it. And it is not even a conscious shifting that takes place its really is hard.

I should have had a resolve to all of this somehow, and it just kepts hanging over me, and I can see how it just is so hard on my brain somehow and yet I can't seem to consciously control it. It is sooo hard to describe what happens, it is just not anything I ever could imagine. And this past Sunday, I could not go and do a job, I honestly could not get my brain to shift into a forward motion at all. And I can't not work, I have to be able to function and work when I need to and when my brain gets that bad, I just cant get out and push through it. I honestly don't understand it. And somehow I know it has to do with the upcoming depositon and I wasn't expecting my brain to react like this.

I am thinking, and thinking and trying really hard to work my way through this, I am trying really hard. And I have to work that whole weekend before the depositon and I never thought about that when it got rescheduled. And I never thought that my brain would just shut down like this, it has nothing to do with a conscious awareness that this would happen or even could happen. I truely understand why people who have PTSD and are trapped like this somehow can lose it without knowing why or what to do about it. It is just not as simple as a mind over matter thing, it is very different, so hard to put into words. And the last two days have been terrible and sleeping at night not good either even with medication.

I have to find a way to deal with this, I was not expecting this reaction. My brain really doesn't want to do this, and I don't understand it.

I don't know, I have to find something to over come this, this is something new, and it just shuts down. I don't know what this means to be honest.

Open Eyes