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wackywidow · Oct 08, 2011, 03:32 AM

"I almost lost my life, had life saving surgery and it was a long road back to being me again and I actually had two surgeries within 10 days and I can't even remember how many hours I was on that table while they cleaned out my body cavity. And the pain was unreal once they stopped the morphine. I am actually really lucky to be here."

So did I!! I was operated on as an abdominal exploratory. They removed a partially ruptured appendix and found out I has Crohnes Disease. Ten days later that disease perforated my bowel. I bled internally from early morning until late evening. Emergency surgery was needed at midnight to save me. I needed 2 pints of ice cold blood pumped into me before they could start the surgery. It was estimated that I was approximately 10 minutes from certain death. They removed 16 inches of gut and sewed me up. Morphine was needed like a glass off water. I spent the entire month of March in the hospital. I could not even roll over in bed by myself for the first week. The nurses/aides changed my position in bed every two hours ... even at night ... to prevent bed sores. I lost almost 50 pounds during the ordeal and looked like a refugee from some strange land.

"And I want to find a way to somehow turn it off or outthink it or run from it or pretend it isn't there, but I can't because I am so trapped in this unresolve it is like a strange kind of torture to my brain."

You cannot run from this. You have to somehow find a way to stand firm and face it, what ever it is, or it will chase you the rest of your life. My PSTD comes from clergy sexual abuse as well as childhood verbal/emotional abuse. I know what it is like when a specific face/event/word literally haunts you or blows up in your face. As hard as I try I will never forget these events because they are a part of me, but I have made a conscious decision that they will not control me. At times I will fail, but the important part is, I get right back up with the boxing gloves on. Beccause of the length of your posts I know you are really trying. Give yourself a pat on the back for that effort. You deserve it.

"should have"

Bad word to use! I know because I used to say the same thing. A T helped me by see how self-defeating those words can be. "have to", "got to", "ought to", "should have" are examples of the naughty words. Get rid of them these words are too hard on you. Use more positive word like "I'd like to", "it would be nice", "maybe I could do", etc.

"And I wake up feeling awful some days and sometimes the tears just run down my face and I cant stop it. And it is not even a conscious shifting that takes place its really is hard."

Open eyes have you ever been checked for rapid cycling bipolar disease (RCBP)? Your accounts of what you are feeling actually parallel my Dx of RCBP. I have both Dx's along with acute stress disorder. I am wondering if you need another evaluation. I can read the pain you are in and I am concerned for YOU! If you have another Dx maybe a change in meds would help keep your brain from crashing like it has been. All I know is that something is wrong somewhere and it is not all you.

Do you have a T? If so be brutally honest in your sessions. Do not hold back anything because of fear. I did and it came close to me ending the imperfect life I now cherish. Holler back either her or PM me. Take care.