A lot of your post sounds like it could have been me. My husband refused to go to counseling during most of our matime together - which was less than 3 years.

By the time he started to come around, it was only because I'd told him I was thinking of leaving...in truth i'd already started planning leaving. My mind was made up.

I don't know if I did mine the best way, but i got a place and planned my move and only told him right before - my husband was also abusive, so for me this was the best way for me to do things.

Since I've left I feel a million times better - I can't tell you it's been easy - in reality it's probably the hardest thing i've done, but it's been worth it. i decided not to go to marriage counseling with him and i will be filing for divorce soon. for me it was definitely too little too late. I think he may be in individual counseling now - his messages have been somewhat cryptic so I'm not a hundred percent sure.

Sometimes you have to act to get others to act. Whether or not you want him to make a change, you need to make your own change first. You need to feel good regardless.