(((((wackywidow)))))
Thank you for your answer. When all this damage happened I was truely overwhelmed and the damages just kept coming and there was so much caregiving to the different injured animals. And I had soooo much anger, and then sadness and just way too much handwalking and handwalking and taking them back and forth to the veterinary hospital that was such a drive. And I wasn't sleeping and every single day was caretaking and making efforts to determine the damage that occured in each animal. I learned things that I didn't even know, for example several of them choked and they wouldnt eat and they were coughing. I thought it was the grain or the suppliments I put in the food, it just didn't register to me. And my favorite one little pony wasnt eating and had a fever and I had put her on antibiotics but not knowing how bad her throat inside was damaged, I just didn't understand the process of what she was going through. And I finally took her to the vet hospital and they scoped her throat and told me what was going on. And at that point I still didn't really think about the other ones that were not eating. And they told me that it was going to be a difficult road and they loved her too and they gave me a price of how much it would cost to hospitalize her, $14,000 maybe more. By that time I had already spent so much and there was no way we had that kind of money to hospitalize her, oh how hard that was because I am the kind of person that will fight the fight down to the last second for myself and my family and all my animals. So,
the veterinarian and the staff rallied around us and let us set up a hospital situation at home. And it was a long journey every day tending to her, and it wasn't just her, it was all of them needing this and that. And, I was also trying to work and fulfill obligations for events, I don't even know how I did it. But I didn't see the end, I was just in it trying. And then even though my husband and I tried with my little pony that I loved so much wackywidow, I loved her so much, we lost that battle and we we were up until the wee hours some nights with the IV's and hooking up the bags and waiting for them to get in her system and giving her the pain medication too.

And everywhere I looked it was just bad, my daughter crying, my husband, after we lost that pony, oh how he tried to be a hero, I found in the woods crying like a baby, he loved her too and he was so disappointed that he could not be the hero because he knew how much I loved that pony and he had to bury her. And his pony was crippled too, and he loved his beautiful white pony and they went so many places together and were such buddies, and my daughter was sooo devastated about her horse. It was all of us in pain.

I just snapped and looking back, I was in shock and it was just way too much for me to process. And I couldn't drag myself out of bed one more day and I was SI. And thats when I went to another scarey place where I was put in such a cold room and I kept crying for someone to help me grieve and I kept saying how exhausted I was, and they just didn't listen, they didn't let me rest, they didn't fix the heat in the room and they didn't send someone in to help me grieve. Instead I was surrounded by people that that had all kinds of issues and my room was so cold and the blanket they gave me was not warm. And I must have looked awful too because there was no shower time at home and I had no energy to shower or even brush my hair. And I finally got one shower in and they had to hover over me and watch me and I felt so violated, how just that process was so hard. And I only took one shower there because going into my cold room wet gave me such a chill.

I finally got out of there, after the holidays, oh those holidays were so lonely in there. And I came right back into a tornado of anger and sadness and soooo much work. And then I slowly had to get control of what had happened for a lawsuite and it took even more time to address how bad the damage was and no money. And it was still so hard. And in some ways it was good that the lawsuite was moving so slow because I honestly could not see it all for what it was and it took me time before I could even look at my pony and truely realize what all that meant and why and even the others still coughing. And looking back, I was soooo lucky I only lost one. Because it was worse than I thought, more damage than I imagined or was truely prepared for.

I did get some help in outpatient after the psychward. And I did really need it, a lot of it, but I came home and there was so much debt already and my husband too was so fragile trying so hard to keep going so I honestly knew I couldn't put one more bill of burden on a table that was covered with bills. That long table is still covered today, and it is still coming in. And we were addressing one of the horses and we taking him back and forth to the hospital every two weeks and tending to him too.
And he was lame and the hospital was trying to figure out what got damaged, it took a lot of time and eventually an MRI revealed it.

It was constant and such a battle and I did have a diagnosis of PTSD, but I really didn't understand what that really meant, I just thought I would slowly overcome it.
But I didn't, I got worse, but I didn't understand how much it was going to get even worse. And my husband slipped into depression and he wouldnt get out of bed and my daughter was like an angry driven presence constantly searching the net looking for a horse out there that was just like hers, and she somehow just needed to see it, and I did too. And I was also looking for my pony to be there too. We were just so overwhelmed and somehow trying to see a light a way to regain what we had lost.

I had managed to sell the lame horse, it took several months having him in a stable with an indoor over the winter and visits to the vet hospital every two weeks to monitor his progress. It was a kind of scheduled therapy that we had to keep up with. And he was my investment horse and thankfully we did sell him, but not for what he was suppose to fetch before he got hurt. And when I got that money I knew to not just take it all and pay down the debt for what it cost to get him better.
I just seemed to know to hold onto some of that money. And I was glad I did because my husband could not fuction for about 2 months and I had to use that money to keep us a float and hope my husband would get better. And so I had to again put my own pain and personal struggle aside and somehow be strong while my husband just slept and muddled around. But I have to say, I was very frightened, very frightened inside. And all that time, this PTSD was getting worse, only I didn't know it. I honestly didn't understand what it was and how bad it could get.

And last year was so hard because there was never enough money and every year we were losing more customers and so much that I had built up and I didn't have the animals I needed to fill the business requirements. I watched my business slipping away and accounts that I worked into it disappear. And always, that table of bills, covered, literally covered in bills and my computer room filled with paper work revolving around the lawsuite and all the damage. And I did so much paperwork last year getting together records and veterinary records dating back for the opposing attorney's discovery.

And all that time the PTSD was building and I didn't know what was happening and I was falling into depression and not realizing what I was really dealing with. And still, no money to get therapy for me. All that time I was pushing hard and I guess even being fueled by anger and trying to get back what had been taken. And it was as if my husband and daughter left the fight up to me because they were trying to push everything away and function too.

And it got so bad that one day, things were so bad financially and my daughter wasn't getting the message that we needed her help, we weren't making it, she was too trapped in her own denial, but I couldn't see that. And then that morning came when a rage came into me and completely took over and I was like a wild animal inside and yelled at her and I was mean. And she ended up moving out and not tellin us where she was. And I could not understand what happened to me, it was like I was possesed and I honestly didn't understand why that happened. That was not me at all and whatever it was, it consumed me.

It isn't until finally breaking so bad and getting help and even coming here that I was to learn about PTSD and what it was really doing to me and how much it has manifested in me. And I finally learned what happened that day that I hurt my daughter, my little girl that I loved more than life itself. And I hurt her, and I am often so riddled with guilt about that that if I even let myself go there, I get SI really bad. And I am glad she isn't here to see how bad I am because she is not going to understand the dimensions of what I am facing and dealing with psychologically. I can bearly understand it.

I am now at the point where my brain will not let me get near the files and my attorney has failed me for his memory loss and aging and I am in another battle and my brain is saying ENOUGH. And with everything I am, all that I have, I am trying to say back to my brain PLEASE HOLD ON.

Open Eyes