Coming to PC for me was my only way of dealing. I learned so much here and I have not been able to do many things outside PC because my brain is so very tired. I have been slowly learning the Reality of what I have. And for some reason when I come here, it is my only way of touching the person I was before my whole world was so badly damaged.

PC somehow allows me to access a part me that I cannot seem to be outside PC.
And outside PC, its everyday battling still so very much. And some days I come here and pound away and try to think productively. And I began to realize that when I do that, use the frontal part of my brain and think about other people other things other problems away from me, it helps to allow my brain to think in a step by step motion.
And it has taken time to find a therapist and finally fill his room with so much pain, as he says, I just fill his room and he is often very overwhelmed by so much that comes from me. And he thinks that I need more therapy, almost everyday I really need help, because I never got to grieve and I am still being challenged by the situation with my attorney and trapped in the process of this Lawsuit and bills and still damage and my brain is really struggling. I seem to gain ground and the situation with the Lawsuit an my attorney being old and losing his memory just pushed me back into a hole. I just have not been able to ever really grieve, and my therapist can see that and he doesn't charge me very much because he knows I simply cannot afford even what I give him. And all I can do it one day at a time and even sometimes only one moment at a time. And I can't even begin to describe what all the people here help me do, one day at a time. Everyone, the quotes from the Byz and Madisgram and her posts and you and all of you everyone of you keep my brain from falling apart.
I AM SCARED, because winter is coming and theres not enough money and the bills keep coming and in less than two weeks I am going to be in a deposition that is designed to send questions to me in a sudden manner and my brain doesn't want to do anything like that anymore. I simply cannot take anything popping up and sudden and my brain just shuts down because it can only do so much.

Some days all I can do is be here and try to let my brain think about something else. And yet I am trying to find a way to also think about how to get through this outside PC. I often loose track of time and when it gets bad I come here and try to settle down in my mind. And sometimes I suddenly wonder what day it is because I am so busy just trying to hold on one day at a time, one moment at a time. I was doing so much better and then this struggle with my lawyer just is too much. I am trying sooooooo hard to get through this, just to hang on so I can do that depositon and get that done, I can't even think about what comes after. And in many ways I am fighting my own brain, trying to help it find strength enough to get through this because it so unbeliveably tired. I pray all the time, all the time, to please help me find whatever it is I need to get to the next step of many steps that have all been so very hard on me.

And yet at the same time I am being asked to think back, details remember, answer questions, and my brain really doesn't want to keep reliving it, remembering it, and even now keep seeing the remaining damage of it. And I can't see any end in sight, just more hanging on more remembering, no real letting go, grieving and finally walking away to recovering somehow.

I just got another request for a job next weekend, I really need the money too, and with that deposition on the Monday after, I honestly don't have any idea how I am going to work that weekend and I already have so much on the books to do and so much driving, oh I hope I can do it. And tomarrow, what will my brain be like? I have to work, I want to work and I am praying I wont be bad and have what happened last Sunday happen again. I cannot drive when I am that bad. And this whole thing caused by a negligent person is crippling me so badly, it just wont let go, WHY? And I have to think about today, now this moment what can I do this moment?
I have someone coming here today, I have to be me in those moments and all I really want to do is go back to bed and let my brain take a break somehow. Its a beautiful day, why can't I seem to just soak it up? I am praying for that now.

I am trying with everything I have to just hold on somehow, just hold on somehow.

Open Eyes