When I said yes to this deposition I wasn't thinking right. I didn't see that it was going to take place right after a weekend when I honestly need to focus on work.
And it isn't a light weekend either, how odd is that, its seems like everyone is planning their events that weekend and I honestly need every single penny of it.

And then thats only if the weather allows for it all to happen too. And I have no way of knowing that until close to that weekend when the forecast is foretold.

There is a big part of me that wants to call my attorney and ask him to make it on Wednesday, but I also know that he is not going to get it. And I could risk more bad messages to the opposing side. And it could end up raining or something all that weekend and I could have done the deposition. Oh this is so hard. I just want to get it over with so bad and I see everything clumping together, everyone is trying to book events next weekend and the pressure is a lot to ask of my brain in it's condition of the PTSD that is worse than before.

And just hearing my attorney's voice is such an enormous trigger because of all his issues and the instablilty he represents. How come I didn't see this possiblility of so much all at once. And I can't even figure out what to do. So much known and yet unknown about how I will hold under all this pressure too much all together.

Ugh, sorry, I am just trying to think out loud here. I guess I am trying to figure out how to remove some pressure as I can see there is too much all at once, my brain is just not going to fair well. And I can see it being all about what is convenient for everyone under the sun and not what is good for me. And I have to get into the shower because I have someone coming and I have put on that face and hide my dilemma and exhaustion and I have to get through that, wish I could just lay down and let go. There has to be something I can do here, I am just not seeing my way to it. And that is because I have too much going on all at once, and I can't seem to get a break from it. I only have such little time left to try to get money for the winter, I have no idea how that is going to happen. I have to concentrate on that.

Open Eyes