Just keep on posting for a while. I am not sure from your posts, but, have you gone to the ER?
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheQuietOnexx
i'm out of IP and have moved interstate
to live with my cousin and her partner. i was referred on to a new service but they aren't helping at all.. i don't have the energy to update properly but am really looking for some support so i'm going to copy and paste some entries i've made to here about whats going on..
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i'm slipping further and further away from reality.. nothing feels real.. can't feel pain anymore.. i want more pain so i can feel it.. i want to see the blood to know i am real.. i feel so numb..
seeing GP today but my cousin and her partner want to come in on the appt which will make me shut down and not tell him everything. i know i need to see him alone but i'm not sure how i can..
the voices have taken control of my mind and my body.. whats real and whats a hallucination? i don't know.
the drs said that they weren't going to admit me again.. they think i'm attention seeking.
they are thinking about letting me into the case management program but they aren't sure because they say it's only for serious cases.. and me well of course this isn't serious.
i want so badly right now to be back in the IP i was in before i moved where i knew the staff and they knew me and i trusted them and they knew how seriously to take me. a friend is about to go in there for a long planned admission and i hate her for it. i know it sounds stupid but i want to be in there.. then saying things like that makes me feel like an attention seeker.
i'm trying to support my friends because a lot of them are struggling but i am hanging by a tiny thread and can't keep this up much longer.
no one has any idea how much i'm struggling and how close i am to doing something.. something serious..
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no one believes how much I am trying. my old case manager does. he knows I'm doing really well in terms of how much I'm trying. how can I make people understand that just because I look okay on the outside doesn't mean I'm okay on the inside.
maybe I should just let everyone believe I'm doing okay. I should stop posting. stop trying to get professional support. when someone asks I'll tell them I'm good. I'll do everything they want me to do until oneday I just won't. then it will all be over. I think that's all I can do.
even though my old case manager has stayed in contact and wants to keep in contact which is really nice of him I think I might just have to stop speaking to him because he'll know what I'm doing he'll know I'm pretending. I think what I need to do is stop taking his calls and I'll send him a thankyou card for all the work he's done with me.
the thing that's worrying me the most is Elsie, my cat. what will happen to her? will my cousins keep her? will she go back to mums? will she be put in an animal shelter? I want to know what will happen to her. but I can't ask because then they'll all just tell me to stop being stupid. she gets upset when I leave her overnight she's going to be devastated if I leave for good. I need her to be in a safe place where she'll be loved and looked after properly.
better go for the GP appt soon. I don't know what I'm going to tell him. I guess I'll just see what comes out.
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went to the appt.. got lots of scripts. xray results. a copy of my discharge summary from the IP before i moved which i wasn't meant to read. and told to be patient. great ****ing appt.
i thought that the old IP were people who actually understood but they were just pretending to my face. they think i'm making it all up. they don't even believe me about the sexual assault. i know i shouldn't have read the discharge summary but it's too late now. i've just left a msg for my old case manager i am going to go through the formal process of requesting my entire file from the last 2years. i want to know what they really think, all of them. right now i hate them all. if they didn't believe me then why couldn't they have just discharged me from the entire service? instead they lied to me. made me believe that they believed me and that they understood and even that some of them actually cared.
oh and from right now i'm not eating until i loose 20kg. i don't care how sick i get i'm just not going to eat. i'm overweight so they can't make me.
i feel awful. worse than before the appt.
i've decided to stop asking for help and support.
sorry for letting everyone down.
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i don't even know what to write. i'm not meant to talk to people about how i'm feeling apart from my cousins.
a friend tried to call an ambulance on me today from interstate but i wouldn't give her my address so she called my old case manager but he was in training and the duty worker was busy. so luckily no ambulance, if one would have come my cousins would have been so mad.. they were really mad when i told them that one might be coming cuz of my friend.
i cut again last night.. saw my cousins partner and he asked if i was okay i said yes went back to my room and cut. my arm is so cut up you can't tell the individual cuts apart.
i don't know what to do.. the one friend who i usually tell everything to is the one who tried to call the ambulance on me so i can't talk to her incase she finds a way to get an ambulance to come.. i keep wondering if maybe she's right and if she calls they will take me more seriously and maybe i do need another admission.. but i can't go in because if i do i'm letting my mum and my cousins down because they don't want me in.
i keep thinking about my cat, i can't just leave her, i need to out something in place so she's okay.. maybe i should find her a new home now?
if i am going to get any help i need it before too long. I'm feeling closer to wanting to end it all. idk maybe if i was getting a lot of support from a psych things might be a little different? idk. i think i'm going to have to tell the crisis team that.. but at the same time i don't want to because i want to be able to do it.
i keep thinking about something one of the nurses at my old IP said. he said that he would be mad if i did do something because he thinks that i can do really well in life once i get through this and my reply was well i'll be in a different state so how will you even know and he said that i'd be surprised and that he would find out.. he was my favorite nurse, and i don't want to let him down but at the same time after reading my discharge summary i keep thinking what if he's the same and he doesn't believe me and he was just lying to gain my trust.. i wish i could just talk to him about it...
i'm feeling so overwhelmed the voices are really bad i'm loosing touch with whats real.. i can feel reality slipping further and further. i need to bleed to know that i am real, that i am alive..
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no there's no way i can call.. it's against the rules once your not in IP you can't call IP even if your still an outpatient client, which i'm not.
i just have no energy anymore.. nothing left to fight with.. yeah i know i keep saying how close i am to ending it but thats how it feels..
i jjust don't know what to do.. i know that with my old case manager now is when i'd have an admission so things could calm down but i can't because the hospital said they wouldn't admit me again so there's no point in going to ED and if i even bring it up about going to ED then my cousins will get really mad.. they think i'm not fighting at all that i'm not trying at all..
i have never felt so alone and trapped.. i see one way out..
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i know no i've made it very long.. sorry if you've stuck with reading then thankyou.. i'm just at a loss of what to do..
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